Tag Archive for: coaching

Reading the Room

Some years ago, I was sat in a room in a hi-powered negotiation for a major multi-million-pound contract for the company I was working for.
Discussions, pricing, and contract negotiations had been going on for several weeks.
It was time for our final meeting to agree the contract.
I’ll never forget that meeting, as I did something I’d never done before.

And so it began…

It was immediately evident that they were trying very hard to undo some of our previous agreements to find a more satisfactory arrangement for their company.
I had prepared well for the negotiation and was aware of any concessions that could be made.
Having been through many negotiations before, I knew the importance of being able to read the room, by listening for facts, details, or any signals and feelings that could arise.
Tuning in, I felt the vibe was different than our previous meetings.
I recall the body language, the vocal tones, raised eyebrows, the fleeting smiles and even frowns that day.
Those tiny facial micro expressions helped me to read between the lines, the nuances of what was being said, clues if you will, as to what was actually going on, that helped me to understand the dynamics in the room and individual emotional states.
Essentially, it was about trying to figure out or understand how the others in the room were thinking, without them actually saying something.
I worked hard to mirror and match the energy and tone of the others in order to connect with them.

Tactics

The lead negotiator from the other side was trying very hard to squeeze me on price by another 2% (read tens of thousands of pounds) and were in a hurry to close out the contract negotiations and give me the contract that day.
The win-win for us both, was becoming a win-lose for me.
It just felt-off.
They were keen for me to shake hands and sign the deal.

Now what?

Looking around the room, taking a deep breath, boldly and risking all, I thanked them for their time, closed my folder, packed up and left.
The negotiation was over.
Within an hour, they called me.
The additional 2% demand was removed, I signed, and we agreed the contract.
Whether it’s a presentation to a large audience, or an important meeting or negotiation, be mindful of reading the room.
It takes a little practice, but stop, look and listen for those non-verbal clues, they’re always there.
How can you “read the room” better?

Heart to Heart

If your heart could speak, what would it say?
What does it really long to say?
What does it long to hear?
Being away for three years, has meant a lot of catch-up conversations recently.
Dialogue, with many dear friends and family, home and abroad, face to face and online.
Reflecting this morning on those conversations, I’ve realised that many of them have been heart to heart.

A definition…

Heart to Heart – “a serious conversation between two people, usually close friends, in which they talk honestly about their feelings.”
They haven’t been trivial or inconsequential.
Rather they’re deeper, somehow they feel much more vital and nourishing to each other’s souls, allowing our hearts to really connect.
There has been much more giving and receiving.
In addition, they have also created an even stronger relationship of mutual trust and understanding.
I have even listened to a lot of heartfelt emotions that I wasn’t aware of before.
And interestingly, I’ve begun to understand myself even more.
Significantly, there has been more undivided attention in those moments.
As the dialogue emerges from each other’s heart, the conversations are vulnerable and delicate.
Maybe it’s because for the first time in a while I have more time and am less distracted, but I have found that I am more thoughtful, more compassionate and found it easier to listen with more love.
I have learned to listen, reflect and respond in that order once more.
And I have also been reminded that without having open vulnerable dialogue – we cannot and will not grow.
Moments of struggle have been openly shared.
It is important too, to mean what you say and say what you mean.
Someone once said ““The beauty of a heart-to-heart conversation is that it allows us to share our deepest fears, joys, and dreams, knowing that we will be met with empathy and kindness.”
As I restart my coaching practice, I look forward to many more of these quite remarkable conversations.
“We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.” – J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)
When was the last time you had a heart-to-heart conversation with someone?

Promptings

In my prayers one morning this week, I specifically asked that I’d recognise any subtle promptings or spiritual insights that day.
Arising from my knees, I made my to do list for the day and set off getting things done.
Late morning, instead of driving to visit my mum, I felt to take a 45-minute walk instead.
After a lovely visit with mum, I set off for home.

Insightful detour

I felt to take a longer route home, a slight detour.
This route took me near the house of a dear old friend, who I hadn’t seen in a few years.
Approaching the house, I had a feeling to ring the bell, but I chose to ignore the thought.
At the front door, the thought came for the second time… “ring the bell” again, I chose to ignore the prompting.
About 5 metres after passing by the house, the prompting came the third time, much louder “Go back. Ring the bell.”
I stopped.
I turned around, walked back a few steps and rang the bell.
Once – No answer. Twice – No answer. On the third time, the door creaked open and there was my dear old friend….
“Paul” my friend said. “No, it’s Daryl” I replied.
I was ushered inside.
We visited for about an hour.

How can I help?

I listened intently and asked if there was anything I could do.
I returned the next afternoon with medications and listened again a while longer.
I know that spiritual promptings come.
We simply need to recognise them, listen intently and have faith to take action.
In one of their many “Don’t Miss This” series, David Butler and Emily Freeman call these moments “Compassionate Detours.”
Reviewing Matthew Chapter 9 they considered a day in the life of Jesus Christ.
“But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them.” – Matthew 9:38.
On several occasions, He stopped and ministered, compassionately to the one.
Why not look out for a compassionate detour today…
Stop long enough to heed and listen to the promptings – that always come.
In the busyness of your complex life, do you notice the needs of others?

Thinking Together

I marvel at the thoughts, insights and commitment that I see from my colleagues and dear friends in my leadership, learning, coaching, mentoring, training and facilitation network.
It is clear to me that they are learning from their own journeys and experiences of life.
Willingly, freely and regularly they share those learnings with others.
There is a great power in all of our journeys.
There are critical learning points and instruction all along the way.
We just need to slow down long enough to learn those lessons for ourselves.

Potential

As learning protagonists, professional coaches and mentors, our responsibility is to help unleash the real potential of those people with whom we work.
And how do we do that?
One meaningful conversation at a time.
My personal witness is that I have seen many individuals figuratively take a step into the “unknown” with a good coach or mentor by their side.
How have you grown these last few years?
What leadership lessons have you learned through your journey in life?

…thy might

Reflecting this morning, I was mindful of a scripture in Ecclesiastes 9:10.
“Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might…”
In the world in which we live, there is much worthwhile work for every one of us to do.
And when we do, we must remember these words from Solomon in Ecclesiastes.
That we must go and do, whatever it is, with our might!
And going and doing at times may mean a lot of actual work.
And yet, once again, I am grateful for my peers and fellow coaches who have found something to do and choose to go and do it with their might.
With the help of a coach or mentor, all of us must come to an honest, open self-examination, an awareness within, as to who and what we want to be, do and achieve.
“To the noble art of getting things done we must add the more noble art of leaving things undone.” – ancient oriental saying.
Coping with the complex and diverse challenges of everyday life, which by itself, is not an easy task, can upset the balance and harmony we seek.
I know of many good people who care a great deal and are trying very hard to maintain balance, but they sometimes feel overwhelmed and defeated.
If that’s you – then reach out to a good coach or mentor today, with their might, they “might” be able to help you along your journey in life.

Beyond words

Today, will mark the end of missionary interviews, the last two with our Assistants this evening.
After three years, I think Monic and I are now approaching some 6,000 coaching interviews.
We shall miss these special times; they have been a labour of love.

The Last Round

Whilst in one interview this week, a missionary inquired, “How do I ask good questions?”
Initially, I remarked about being fully present, by giving my full and utmost attention.
I mentioned the importance of deep listening, not only to the words used but the emotions felt and being guided by humility, compassion, and love.
Then, I introduced the power of clarifying.
Pausing, I said “Let’s do some roleplays…”
The missionary spoke and shared an opinion with me.
Carefully crafting the missionary’s own words in a different order, I drew attention to an aspect of the experience and asked a clarifying question.
In other words, I reflected the words back to the missionary and used them to ask a question in a different tone and a slower voice.
At first the missionary was startled by the insight, but after a little practice, soon cottoned on.
Then, I said, “You can also ask questions without words.”
“Huh?” came the response.

Body Language

You can ask questions in non-verbal ways through facial expressions, eye contact, a raised eyebrow, a puzzled look, tilting your head to the side, tugging your ear, placing your hand on your cheek, stroking your chin, using hand gestures or a combination of them all.
Self-awareness is paramount.
We practiced a little more.
To understand each other better, try slowing down and be silent.
Jesus Christ knew the importance of Psalms 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…”
A favourite saying of mine often attributed to St. Francis of Assisi reads, “Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary, use words.”
Jesus asked perceptive questions and then waited for answers, frequently listening not only with His ears but with also with His heart.
Key is to focus on what you feel inside, rather than on what you see and hear outside.
A good example is the story of faith filled Bartimaeus in Mark 10:46-52, where Jesus stopped and healed him.
Often teaching without words, simply through His actions; that is the Master’s way.
How can you listen and ask questions more compassionately?

Divine Tutorials

It’s been an enjoyable week of 1-1 coaching interviews for Monic and I in Amsterdam, Leiden and Rotterdam.
We continue on our last round of these interviews before returning home at the end of June.
For some of the missionaries it was their first and also, sadly, their last interview with us.
I have considered these 25 – 30-minute personal coaching sessions as divine tutorials.
They’re certainly a little different from university tutorials!

Definitions

Some personal definitions of these sessions would be something like this…
𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞: Relating to and filled with inspiration and love from God.
𝐓𝐮𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐥: a one-on-one learning session, with a young missionary, where we come to know one another better, discuss problems, challenges and seek assistance through heaven’s help.
Over these last few years, there have been thousands of these 1-1 sessions.
Each different, but in some ways the same.

The Last Session

This week was no different, except we all knew this was our last session together.
We talked, we shared, we problem solved, we taught, we listened, we laughed, we cried, we prayed, we encouraged, promises were shared.
As I listened, I realised that as each missionary shared with me their personal challenges, it was as if each of them were being tried in a very personal and unique way in what I’d call, the 𝑳𝒐𝒓𝒅’𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒆.
Why is missionary work so hard sometimes?
Why does the Lord let such difficult things happen?
Why did it work out that way?
My witness is this…
As they apply the teachings of Jesus Christ and develop His attributes in their own life’s, I know that every single one of them changes.
I know that 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒆, 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒆𝒍.
Individually, they are galvanized and welded into a powerful cohesive group of friends in the Belgium Netherlands Mission of De Kerk van Jezus Christus van de Heiligen der Laatste Dagen
It is beautiful to behold, over and over and over again.
These moments will be treasured forever and ever.
Have you experienced a divine tutorial?

Walk and Talk

As we approach our last missionary transfer, I reckon that Monic and I are now approaching some 3,000 coaching interviews – each!
From the outset, we chose to invest a lot of time (15 to 30 minutes) per interview, as a catalyst to enable change with each of our missionaries.
We started off sitting for all of our interviews, but as time has passed we now both enjoy the occasional walking interview too!
Pacing ourselves in our walking is a joy and it can slow down the conversation.
It got me thinking about the process of our interviews…
Our journey together always begins in a similar manner.
We smile, greet one another, say hello and settle in.
Then, the conversations go something like this.
I speak and ask a simple question.
The missionary listens.
The missionary speaks.
I listen.
I speak and carefully, ask more questions.
The missionary listens.
The missionary speaks.
I listen.
I try hard, very, very hard not to interrupt.
I am curious and interested as to what the missionary thinks.
There usually always comes a point when they ask me a question.
I push the missionary hard to see how far they can go in their own thinking, before I offer any of my own thoughts.
Like any great coaching conversation, the process is all about helping the missionary to become more self-aware.
Frequently I find that I reinforce their strengths and help each missionary to explore their challenges.
And the walking?
Well, it simply helps to stretch our legs and our minds!
Changing the environment can also really help us change how we look at things.
Fresh air can really awaken all of our senses and aid both our thinking and every conversation.
“Walking is man’s best medicine.” - Hippocrates
Little wonder then, that the most frequent question we are asked at interviews is “Are we going for a walk today?”
When will you next venture outside for a coaching conversation?

Set Apart

In our recent missionary zone conferences in Antwerp and Utrecht, there were many wonderful sessions of training and instruction given.
In one of my own, I focussed on the term “𝐬𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭” and I asked the question….
“What happens when you are set apart as a missionary?”
In my pre-mission life as a coach and facilitator one of my favourite coaching practices was to consider how far people can go in their own thinking, before they need my thinking…!
What followed was a lively exercise of very insightful thinking!
Having missionaries together in zone conferences are some of my most favourite moments of mission life.
So what does it mean to be set apart?

Leadership Tools

As a facilitator and a learning protagonist, I have lost count of the number of leadership models shared in workshops.
There are my favourites such as situational leadership, servant leadership, values-based leadership, action centred leadership, adaptive leadership and a whole list of styles and 4-box grids that I have used and am very familiar with.
While most of us can recognise good leadership when we experience or observe it, oftentimes it is hard for us to determine the best model to use in a difficult situation.
Blending leadership models as needed is a popular fix.
But then it struck me.
As I reflected upon the many leadership experiences I’ve had in life, a clear analogy came to mind.

The Garden Shed

As a child, I recall one day that I wanted to go out on my bicycle for a ride.
Forlornly, there were several issues with my bicycle, including a wobbly seat, a flat tyre, a loose wheel, poor brakes, and handlebars that were more than just a little squint.
I’d not been out for a ride in a while and sadly my bicycle had fallen into disrepair.
I called my dad down to the shed in the garden.
He came and looked at the bicycle commenting upon the amount of work it needed to get it back into shape.

The Box of Tools

I recall that he set to work immediately and pulled out a big box of tools.
One small spanner was used to tighten the wobbly seat.
Another set of tools were used to remove the wheel, repair the puncture and blow up the tyre again and tighten it into position.
Dad then got out a set of pliers to fix the brakes.
Finally, another wrench was used to straighten the handlebars.
All in all, using a variety of tools, after a short time, the bicycle was fixed and off I went on my ride with a gleeful smile.
“Dads are great” I thought!

Leadership Lessons

So, it is with leadership.
Oftentimes, whilst managing and leading others we are faced with a vast array of different problems, challenges and issues.
Yet, just like the multitude of tools in my dad’s box, so we too have a broad range of different leadership models to help us resolve/fix/repair/manage/lead even the most mind-boggling obstacles at times.
Tools equip us with solutions.
What new shiny model do you have in your leadership toolbox, or maybe that old well-worn rusty model, over there in the corner is the best solution perhaps?
What tools do you have in your toolbox?

Values

Is it time to evaluate your values?
Some of my favourite coaching questions are simply these…
“What do you want?”
“What is important to you?”
“How do you want to live your life?”
“What do you enjoy doing?”
Take time to reflect upon your personal values…
Don’t live somebody else’s!
Be you!
Be mindful of what values are driving your life and look out for the illusion of ownership.
As each year passes by, I have become increasingly aware of the illusion of ownership and the world’s pre-occupation with it.
Oftentimes, I reflect on the fact we were born into this life with nothing, during our journey through life we exercise our greatest gift of free agency, (the right to choose), and with the exception of our memories and experiences we depart this mortal life with nothing.
Consider a few words – pride, envy, fear, stress, frustration.
Now think about the cause and effect of these words.
Remove the idea of ownership and the foundational characteristic of each of these words collapses.
As we understand the reality of stewardship and apply the principle in our home, family and business life, we can replace these characteristics with their polar opposites – humility, empathy, courage, peace, fulfilment.
By living our values – everything else falls into place.
What does the word “values” mean to you personally?