coaching Archives - Page 2 of 6

Crucial Conversations

June 6, 2023

Consider the two words below.

– rea𝐂tive

– 𝐂reative

These two words describe the mindset that you can bring to any conversation.

There is a key difference in the position of the letter “𝐂”

Best-selling author Neale Donald Walsch, says “When we 𝐂 things correctly, life becomes 𝐂reative instead of rea𝐂tive.”

Repositioning a letter… one 𝒔𝒎𝒂𝒍𝒍 move, makes a 𝒉𝒖𝒈𝒆 difference.

Our mindset is vitally important.

Changing the way, we talk with one another; will change the way we act.

And subsequently changing the way people act, will in turn, as a result, change the outcomes.

Recently I’ve been involved in several conversations about presence.

Presence: being aware of what is happening in the moment, experiencing body sensations, noticing thoughts, feeling emotions.

Whilst deepening your presence can be somewhat challenging, the results can be transformative.

When we are present, we are in touch with what’s really happening.

Research reveals that presence is a capacity that can be developed by everyone.

Being 𝐂reative in the here-and-now is pivotal in re-energising and engaging people around you.

Slowing down is equally crucial.

When people listen to each other, they do their best thinking, by surfacing concerns in both directions.

Subsequently, when you are really “present” and “land” in the moment by addressing what matters most, experience has taught me that new unseen possibilities emerge and come into view.

So, what does all this mean for you and me?

Simply stated, a single conversation can potentially open or shut a door on a whole new future that can help us to become more conscious of how we talk with one another.

Choose to be present today and for a while, give someone your undivided attention.

How do you 𝐂/𝐬𝐞𝐞 things?

Reframing

May 16, 2023

“What do you mean by reframing?”…asked the missionary.

In response I said, “Well, what I mean by reframing, is that you see a current situation from a different perspective.”

Essentially, reframing can help you see things differently, all of which can be really helpful in problem solving, decision making and learning.

Over many years in my coaching practice, I’d often use reframing to help someone become unstuck.

Similarly, I find it regularly in coaching interviews with missionaries too.

For example, a missionary may say, “I really doubt that I can do anything about this issue.”

In response, I know I’m likely to say something such as “So, what is one small step that you can take?”

I often find myself moving from the past to the future with missionaries too.

Oftentimes I’ve heard a comment like “I’ve never been good at speaking with people.”

If I hear that kind of comment, my response is something like “If you imagine yourself being successful in speaking with others, what would that look like and feel like?”

Changing the language you use is helpful.

For instance, a missionary may say “I am really struggling with my new companion, I don’t understand him, and we just don’t connect at all.”

Reframing that could look like this “Getting to know a new companion can take a lot of time and work. I have done it before successfully. It’s very rewarding and a great opportunity to learn something new about myself and others.”

Reframing is allowing yourself the opportunity to reinterpret a situation in a way, that is going to help you move through the challenge faced.

By reframing a threat to a challenge, can help us to feel courageous.

In summary, reframing an experience can give you access to more productive and positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

What is your favourite reframing tactic?

Handling Failure

March 14, 2023

Experience has taught me, that to suffer some anxiety, some stress, some low moods or depression, some disappointment, or even some failure is 𝒏𝒐𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒍.

Let me repeat that…. 𝐍𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐋!

Everyone fails.

Everyone.

Everyone has bad things happen to them at some point.

Every now and then, a really good miserable day, or even a few of them may come along all at once, lined up perfectly all in a row, day after day!

Maybe you have felt days like that?

Doomed to failure.

Defeated, lost, discouraged, possibly even feelings of shame and inferiority may arise…

You may even choose to prolong the agony by engaging in some mental torture, relentless self-criticism, beating yourself up and continually berating yourself.

When we feel like this, we may even want to hide, to shrivel up or even just disappear.

Have you been there?

It’s easy to be tough on ourselves. Isn’t it!

If this is you, choose to 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐏!

It is time to change your relationship with failure.

Take a moment…

Breathe.

Think.

Let me assure you, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲…

What would you do to support a friend through a similar difficult period?

By showing ourselves some kindness, respect and encouragement, we can practice self-compassion.

With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.

“Self-compassion has been defined as a self-attitude that involves treating oneself with warmth and understanding in difficult times and recognizing that making mistakes is part of being human (Neff, 2003)

Realising that things don’t always go the way you want them to, is a reality shared by each and every one of us.

My experience is to see failure as a step closer to success, not a step backwards.

How can you be kinder to yourself?

Think of a time when you failed at something and someone responded with kindness and reassurance…

How did that make you feel?

In Summary…

February 24, 2023

In any coaching conversation, one of the most important skills that a coach needs to learn is to reflect, summarise and paraphrase.

𝐑𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 back is in essence holding up a mirror for the coachee and letting them hear what they said, using their own words and perhaps even how they said it, tone, and all.

It could be several sentences, a sentence, a few words, or perhaps even just one word.

Reflecting provides both clarity and understanding for the coachee.

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 on the other hand is when you almost always use the clients words or very occasionally your own words, in a shortened concise overview format, to check that you are both aligned.

Frequently I’ll begin by saying “In summary” or “As I understand it then…” or “In my words, I heard…” It is condensing the content of what has been said, down to its very essence.

Whenever I get nearer the action points of a coaching session, I usually turn to the coachee and allow them to start summarising for themselves.

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠: According to the Oxford Dictionary, “To paraphrase is to express the meaning of (the writer or speaker or something written or spoken) using different words, especially to achieve greater clarity.

Oftentimes I find myself paraphrasing the content of the coachees words, which could be several sentences long.

Or you can also paraphrase the emotion behind the words.

For example a way to paraphrase emotion is to “that sounds really exhausting” when a coachee is finding a situation particularly difficult. This lets the coachee know that you are listening and provides the

evidence that you have really listened!

It also really helps to build trust and develops empathy.

These three principles are important in developing great communication skills.

What principle will you work on in your conversations today?

Just Ask

January 24, 2023

After completing my university studies, I encountered Meta-Morphose, a specialist graduate sales recruitment and training company based in southwest England.

I endured a gruelling selection process and qualified for their programme.

Ultimately, with their assistance, I received a few work opportunities and subsequently embarked upon my sales career.

Although I was never the very top salesman, I did enjoy consistent success and over time managed several sales teams.

I also received a few accolades and for many years I was a judge in the UK National Sales Awards.

Sales eventually brought me into leadership, coaching, training and facilitation.

Early on in my career, I learned a very powerful lesson, that I want to share today.

In sales, most people spend the majority of their time and resources prospecting for new business, hunting down and finding new opportunities.

In my early days, there was a lot of cold calling, door knocking, direct mail, advertising etc.

Today, a lot of that now happens online.

However, I discovered that there is an easier and much more productive way.

It’s simple really, you just really have to remember to ask!

Would you like to know how?

The answer is asking for a referral.

Commonly known as a referral dialogue.

It’s not what you know, it’s what you do with what you know that counts.

Most of us just aren’t sure what words to use.

You don’t want to come across as high-pressured or pushy.

Or you don’t want to put a strain on a relationship.

With the right words, in a conversation, all of these obstacles can be removed.

The key is to reframe a conversation into something you can easily repeat over and over again.

There are many ways to ask, but you simply need to remember and ask!

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐀𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆!!!

Practice with a peer who wants to generate more referrals too and you’ll come up with some great examples to use.

I know that success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, routines, practiced every day, over and over again.

Go on – give it a go today, you’ll be surprised how effective it is!

Just remember to ask!!

Time is Life

December 28, 2022

𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞.

It is irreversible and irreplaceable.

This year has been very different from others gone by.

For the last 10 years, I’d coach circa 15 people one on one, and have around 100 – 200, sixty-to-ninety-minute coaching conversations a year, in amongst my many other professional activities.

This year, I’ve coached circa 150 people one on one, and have had around 1000 – 1200, twenty-to-forty-minute coaching conversations, in amongst my many other missionary activities.

It’s been a little busier, very different, more intensive and a little more tiring too!

However, I absolutely love it!

In amongst all of those coaching conversations, there have been many incredible discoveries made.
Amongst the many coaching techniques, I frequently use, is a very simple one, it’s akin to judo.

The word judo consists of two Japanese characters, ju, which means “gentle”, and do, which means “the way”.

Judo, therefore, literally means the gentle way.

I did say it was simple!

This is the model.

• Invite them to share their story
• Ask questions, to create curiosity and to explore their journey.
• Share a personal story as an alternative view.
• Review – what can I do better?

As you review 2022 and reflect upon all that has gone by, perhaps you can ask yourself this question too…

“What could I have done better?”

Tangled

December 13, 2022

Ｔａｎｇｌｅｄ？

Looking at Christmas fairy lights this week, reminded me of a tangled story!

Life happens…

It was our first coaching session together.

In fact, it was my client Annie’s (changed her name to protect her identity) first ever coaching session.

We started off with our introductions and pleasantries and then got into the coaching session to address a number of personal and work concerns.

The session went very well.

I did a lot of listening, observing, paraphrasing, summarising and as usual asked a few questions.

Annie found some answers for herself as she dealt with a number of different issues.

I was starting to draw the session to a close…

…And then it happened!

She reached forward, gesturing her wrists together and said, “Can you help please?”

Puzzled, I looked closely at her wrists.

Seemingly, midway through our session, Annie had somehow entangled her bracelets together and she’d been stuck for a good while!

I untangled her wrists.

We laughed and joked together.

It was so funny.

That one moment created a unique bond and memory for the two of us, that neither of us will ever forget.

My experience of coaching is that it can help untangle life’s challenges – sometimes quite literally!

Are you ready to be untangled yet?

#coaching

Don’t forget to laugh!

November 22, 2022

A fun experience from Belgium last week.

Departing our hotel room, on the second floor, fully loaded down with all our luggage, we arrived at the lift.

Our unspoken plan was to take the lift to the ground floor reception and checkout.

The visual indicator showed that the lift was on the ground floor “0.”

We both looked at the lift call buttons and independently of each other, we pushed the call buttons.

One button pointed upwards, the other button pointed downwards.

One of us pushed up, the other pushed down.

Quizzically, we looked at one another, thinking “Why did you do that?”

Do you remember the classic book on communication styles, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray?

The book highlights the key differences between how men and women think, act, and communicate.

I must admit – that was my first thought as we stood waiting on the lift to arrive.

We turned to one another again and laughed!

It was a silly moment, but one that highlighted the simple differences between our thinking.

Stepping into the lift, we did finally arrive at our destination, after a short detour upwards, to the third floor!

After 28 years of marriage, our conclusion is this…

No two people ever see all things precisely the same!

Understanding and appreciating one another’s differences is the key to healthy relationships.

And don’t forget to laugh – often!!

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡?

Are you being tested?

November 2, 2022

Many things look good until they are 𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝.

Many theories look good until they are 𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝.

Many software applications look good until they are 𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝.

Many people look good until they are 𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝.

Any piece of rope will hold when there is no weight on it, but we also need to know that we can count on it, when the heavy weight it was designed to carry, actually holds.

We have to test everything that we produce because things can go wrong.

And like things, we too are frequently tested in all kinds of ways in life.

Life is the field of tests.

We are living in times of great testing. No one is exempt from life’s trials.

I do not believe that it was intended that our earthly experience would be a smooth and easy one.

It is my experience that tests always come.

Accidents, illness, old age, the loss of a loved one, death, unhappiness, depression, tragedies, financial loss etc.

How do you see you life now?

Sometimes it may seem that life will bring some unexpected challenges – almost daily at times.

Tests are designed to show our strengths and our weaknesses.

We cannot choose most of the tests we face in life, we can however choose how we’re going to face them.

Facing up to every challenge, every test, is a chance for you to become the person you are meant to be.

These moments truly define us and prove what we are really made of.

Personally, I know that when you face the tests of life, when you learn from them and grow with them, you can become that person you are meant to be.

Always remember to put things into perspective, tests always eventually pass.

I am grateful for well proven guiding principles of faith, obedience, work, morality, honesty, persistency, integrity that always prove themselves when they are tested – when they are required to perform.

Turning to a family member, a friend, a work colleague or to your faith can help.

Who do you turn to or what principles do you follow, to help you through your tests in life?

#tests #life

Scaling

October 31, 2022

“On a 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐞 of 1 to 10, where do you currently rate yourself?”.

As a coach and mentor, frequently I use the 𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 approach to measure progress.

As the coach, it can provide me with some really valuable insight into the coachee, their thinking and where they are at a given point in time with any specific situation.

Here are some examples:

On a 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐞 of 1 -10…

…to what degree have you made progress towards this goal?

…how satisfied are you in this area?

…how determined are you to take this action.

There are always powerful benefits of 𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 too in turn for the coachee, by helping them to assess their position in relation to their ideal outcome i.e. their 10/10.

Many follow up questions usually follow on, as I probe further in any given situation where someone is trying to progress…

For example here is one situation to consider:

• You said that you were a 3 in regard to your confidence when providing feedback to your team member.

• Tell me what makes it a 3 for you, what is your experience?

• What does it feel like being a 3?

• What are you thinking about as a 3?

• What are the reasons for a 3?

• What feedback have you had to suggest you might be a 3?

• What are the reasons you are a 3 as opposed to a 7?

• What’s the difference for you?

• …….And many other questions follow on too!

It is more important to focus on the differences and then on the progress that can be made.

I have found 𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 to be a particularly helpful tool and use it frequently…

It’s great to try it out!

How can you apply this tool in your coaching conversations?

Tag Archive for: coaching