Tag Archive for: coaching

Endurance

Growing older is never easy and it can be challenging.
We all experience ebbs and flows.
Suffering, hardship, trials, adversity are obstacles that will visit all of us in our lifetime.
The scriptures teach us that there must be opposition in all things (2 Nephi 2:11).
It is just a matter of not if, but when, these tests arrive.
Subsequently, how we respond to life’s difficulties is a matter of individual choice.
For many, challenges can come every day.
I marvel at the endurance of long-distance runners.
Family, friends and coaches, ensure they do not endure alone.
Over many years of training and exercise runners develop physical speed, strength and stamina to endure.

Stamina

Stamina is staying power or enduring strength.
For example, you don’t just decide to run a marathon.
Runners must train daily, and slowly build stamina to endure the 26.2-mile distance.
And so, it is with life.
Stick to your task ’til it sticks to you;
Beginners are many, but enders are few.
Honour, power, place and praise
Will always come to the one who stays.
Stick to your task ’til it sticks to you;
Bend at it, sweat at it, smile at it, too;
For out of the bend and the sweat and the smile
Will come life’s victories after a while.
—Author Unknown

Don’t Quit!

We learn to endure by fulfilling our responsibilities and not quitting when things get tough.
Endurance is one of the greatest challenges in life, but it can also be one of our greatest accomplishments.
Just like a runners coach, we all have a shared responsibility to lift and help others to endure, through a simple conversation, a listening ear, a cheerful smile, or words of encouragement.
Do I use hardships as an excuse to withdraw from life, or as a reminder to help someone else in need?

Dialogue

It was an afterthought.
Leaving for the office yesterday afternoon, I nipped back upstairs and picked up my box of CCS cards.

The Task

Later, as I started the meeting, I asked each participant to consider a question and then select three cards they regarded to be an answer to the question I posed.
Each participant was holding an identical pack of cards, with the same photographs, illustrations, and words.
Attentively, I watched as each member of the council started to thumb through the deck and select some images that captured their personal point of view.
I smiled, as I watched their faces light up, obviously amused as they shared and compared images with one another, they’d found interesting.
I was struck by their concentration, and evident delight in finding suitable cards that meant something to them in answer to the question I’d asked.

Sharing

Then, after some time, in our safe space, it was time to share.
I explained a little and observed again.
Quietly, deeply, respectfully, each person asked themselves “what is it that I most want to communicate”?
Randomly, one by one, each person articulated their thoughts with great depth of clarity and understanding, allowing them to speak about what was in their hearts and minds.
The personal insights shared were powerful and thought provoking.
Each participant said something that was true for them and everyone else respectfully listened.
It was clear as participants felt safe to share their half-formed ideas, and discover new meanings in a simple image, the energy in the room began to gather, and the atmosphere started to deepen for the dialogue that followed.

Outcomes

The purpose of the simple activity was to help participants to uncover and talk about their thoughts on the given subject.
Instead of getting down to business straight away as normal, it was just really nice to pause, talk and meet together as fellow human beings, by engaging in a meaningful conversation in a fun way.
It has been my experience as a facilitator, that saying something in a friendly, respectful, and informal way, early in a gathering, can set a pattern of full participation that can help maintain energy levels throughout any meeting.
Setting the scene yesterday, opened up a new way to ensure authentic dialogue throughout our meeting together, where crucially we really listened to one another.
How do you ensure authentic dialogue in your meetings?

𝐋𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐣𝐨?

Years ago, in one of my many coaching conversations, I worked with a senior leader in an organisation who highly valued his professionalism. (To protect his identity, I’ll call him Max).
Max had a great track record with the organisation.
In my first meeting with Max, I noticed something.
In fact, I observed a lot.
His whole body told me that he was lost and really didn’t want to be there.
He’d lost his purpose; his meaning and the organisation had become a frustration for him.
Max had lost his 𝒎𝒐𝒋𝒐.
Mojo; meaning – influence, confidence or personal charisma.
His spirit had shrunk and was sagging.
His body was downtrodden and browbeaten.
His eyes looked jaded and dulled.
His sparkle had long since disappeared.
He was lost.
I felt sad.

Coaching

As his coach, I worked with Max for several months.
Initially, our coaching conversations were more about others in his team and the organisation.
But then the sessions turned towards Max.
We embarked upon an intensive and deep journey together.
We searched long and hard to find answers.
During those profound listening sessions, Max began to find his purpose and meaning.
In those months, he reconnected with himself.
He slowed down.
With a little help and lots of self-reflection a new door had opened.
His search was over.
He discovered a new purpose, much bigger, yet simpler, that filled his entire being.
He’d tuned into himself.
He found the courage to step into his unique calling.
He found his mojo.
Now from a distance, I watch Max shine.
How have you reclaimed your mojo in life?

Ones

Half of two; 1
One is singularly unique and one of a kind.
As individuals, you and I are 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬.
As mission leaders Monic and I are not simply managing an organisation, directing programmes, planning schedules, or controlling resources.
Rather, our foremost, indeed, the key stewardship responsibility that we have as Mission Leaders, is to minister individually to each and every 𝐎𝐍𝐄 of the missionaries past, present and future.

Our Quest

Our quest is to help each one of them become a lifelong disciple of Jesus Christ.
We minister to each of them, just like the oft repeated pattern found in the scriptures, 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒚 𝒐𝒏𝒆.
Some years ago, President Gordon B. Hinckley counselled, “We must look after the individual. Christ always spoke of individuals. He healed the sick, individually. He spoke in his parables of individuals. This Church is concerned with individuals, notwithstanding our numbers. Whether they be 6 or 10 or 12 or 50 million, we must never lose sight of the fact that the individual is the important thing”.
The pattern continues today, in our one-by-one ministering to each missionary.
One way we do that, is during every transfer period of six weeks, we meet with every missionary throughout the mission, one by one, for 20 – 30 minutes in a coaching interview.
All 100+ of them.
It is a pattern the Saviour himself established.

Scripture Examples

In the scriptures there are many examples where Jesus Christ ministered to ones.
The Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25 – 37), The Parable of the Lost Sheep (Luke 15:4-7), The Parable of the Piece of Silver (Luke 15:8-10), The Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-24), when Jesus appeared to Thomas (John 20:24-29) and many more.
In the Book of Mormon, the phrase 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒚 𝒐𝒏𝒆 is used six times, four of which are used by Jesus Christ in His personal ministry to the Nephites in the 3rd book of Nephi.
Elder David A. Bednar has taught that “He intercedes for each daughter and son. One by one.”
This week, we began our one-by-one pattern of interviews in Apeldoorn.
I have learned that the most important things are done individually.
Following each interview, I took some time to capture a few of our treasured 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒚 𝒐𝒏𝒆 moments.
What can you do to better follow the Saviour’s example of ministering 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒚 𝒐𝒏𝒆?

Crucial Conversations

Consider the two words below.
– rea𝐂tive
– 𝐂reative
These two words describe the mindset that you can bring to any conversation.
There is a key difference in the position of the letter “𝐂”
Best-selling author Neale Donald Walsch, says “When we 𝐂 things correctly, life becomes 𝐂reative instead of rea𝐂tive.”
Repositioning a letter… one 𝒔𝒎𝒂𝒍𝒍 move, makes a 𝒉𝒖𝒈𝒆 difference.
Our mindset is vitally important.
Changing the way, we talk with one another; will change the way we act.
And subsequently changing the way people act, will in turn, as a result, change the outcomes.
Recently I’ve been involved in several conversations about presence.
Presence: being aware of what is happening in the moment, experiencing body sensations, noticing thoughts, feeling emotions.
Whilst deepening your presence can be somewhat challenging, the results can be transformative.
When we are present, we are in touch with what’s really happening.
Research reveals that presence is a capacity that can be developed by everyone.
Being 𝐂reative in the here-and-now is pivotal in re-energising and engaging people around you.
Slowing down is equally crucial.
When people listen to each other, they do their best thinking, by surfacing concerns in both directions.
Subsequently, when you are really “present” and “land” in the moment by addressing what matters most, experience has taught me that new unseen possibilities emerge and come into view.
So, what does all this mean for you and me?
Simply stated, a single conversation can potentially open or shut a door on a whole new future that can help us to become more conscious of how we talk with one another.
Choose to be present today and for a while, give someone your undivided attention.
How do you 𝐂/𝐬𝐞𝐞 things?

Reframing

“What do you mean by reframing?”…asked the missionary.
In response I said, “Well, what I mean by reframing, is that you see a current situation from a different perspective.”
Essentially, reframing can help you see things differently, all of which can be really helpful in problem solving, decision making and learning.
Over many years in my coaching practice, I’d often use reframing to help someone become unstuck.
Similarly, I find it regularly in coaching interviews with missionaries too.
For example, a missionary may say, “I really doubt that I can do anything about this issue.”
In response, I know I’m likely to say something such as “So, what is one small step that you can take?”
I often find myself moving from the past to the future with missionaries too.
Oftentimes I’ve heard a comment like “I’ve never been good at speaking with people.”
If I hear that kind of comment, my response is something like “If you imagine yourself being successful in speaking with others, what would that look like and feel like?”
Changing the language you use is helpful.
For instance, a missionary may say “I am really struggling with my new companion, I don’t understand him, and we just don’t connect at all.”
Reframing that could look like this “Getting to know a new companion can take a lot of time and work. I have done it before successfully. It’s very rewarding and a great opportunity to learn something new about myself and others.”
Reframing is allowing yourself the opportunity to reinterpret a situation in a way, that is going to help you move through the challenge faced.
By reframing a threat to a challenge, can help us to feel courageous.
In summary, reframing an experience can give you access to more productive and positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.
What is your favourite reframing tactic?

Handling Failure

Experience has taught me, that to suffer some anxiety, some stress, some low moods or depression, some disappointment, or even some failure is 𝒏𝒐𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒍.
Let me repeat that…. 𝐍𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐋!
Everyone fails.
Everyone.
Everyone has bad things happen to them at some point.
Every now and then, a really good miserable day, or even a few of them may come along all at once, lined up perfectly all in a row, day after day!
Maybe you have felt days like that?
Doomed to failure.
Defeated, lost, discouraged, possibly even feelings of shame and inferiority may arise…
You may even choose to prolong the agony by engaging in some mental torture, relentless self-criticism, beating yourself up and continually berating yourself.
When we feel like this, we may even want to hide, to shrivel up or even just disappear.
Have you been there?
It’s easy to be tough on ourselves. Isn’t it!

If this is you, choose to 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐏!

It is time to change your relationship with failure.
Take a moment…
Breathe.
Think.
Let me assure you, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲…
What would you do to support a friend through a similar difficult period?
By showing ourselves some kindness, respect and encouragement, we can practice self-compassion.
With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.
“Self-compassion has been defined as a self-attitude that involves treating oneself with warmth and understanding in difficult times and recognizing that making mistakes is part of being human (Neff, 2003)
Realising that things don’t always go the way you want them to, is a reality shared by each and every one of us.
My experience is to see failure as a step closer to success, not a step backwards.
How can you be kinder to yourself?
Think of a time when you failed at something and someone responded with kindness and reassurance…
How did that make you feel?

In Summary…

In any coaching conversation, one of the most important skills that a coach needs to learn is to reflect, summarise and paraphrase.
𝐑𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 back is in essence holding up a mirror for the coachee and letting them hear what they said, using their own words and perhaps even how they said it, tone, and all.
It could be several sentences, a sentence, a few words, or perhaps even just one word.
Reflecting provides both clarity and understanding for the coachee.
𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 on the other hand is when you almost always use the clients words or very occasionally your own words, in a shortened concise overview format, to check that you are both aligned.
Frequently I’ll begin by saying “In summary” or “As I understand it then…” or “In my words, I heard…” It is condensing the content of what has been said, down to its very essence.
Whenever I get nearer the action points of a coaching session, I usually turn to the coachee and allow them to start summarising for themselves.
𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠: According to the Oxford Dictionary, “To paraphrase is to express the meaning of (the writer or speaker or something written or spoken) using different words, especially to achieve greater clarity.
Oftentimes I find myself paraphrasing the content of the coachees words, which could be several sentences long.
Or you can also paraphrase the emotion behind the words.
For example a way to paraphrase emotion is to “that sounds really exhausting” when a coachee is finding a situation particularly difficult. This lets the coachee know that you are listening and provides the
evidence that you have really listened!
It also really helps to build trust and develops empathy.
These three principles are important in developing great communication skills.
What principle will you work on in your conversations today?

Just Ask

After completing my university studies, I encountered Meta-Morphose, a specialist graduate sales recruitment and training company based in southwest England.
I endured a gruelling selection process and qualified for their programme.
Ultimately, with their assistance, I received a few work opportunities and subsequently embarked upon my sales career.
Although I was never the very top salesman, I did enjoy consistent success and over time managed several sales teams.
I also received a few accolades and for many years I was a judge in the UK National Sales Awards.
Sales eventually brought me into leadership, coaching, training and facilitation.
Early on in my career, I learned a very powerful lesson, that I want to share today.
In sales, most people spend the majority of their time and resources prospecting for new business, hunting down and finding new opportunities.
In my early days, there was a lot of cold calling, door knocking, direct mail, advertising etc.
Today, a lot of that now happens online.
However, I discovered that there is an easier and much more productive way.
It’s simple really, you just really have to remember to ask!

Would you like to know how?

The answer is asking for a referral.
Commonly known as a referral dialogue.
It’s not what you know, it’s what you do with what you know that counts.
Most of us just aren’t sure what words to use.
You don’t want to come across as high-pressured or pushy.
Or you don’t want to put a strain on a relationship.
With the right words, in a conversation, all of these obstacles can be removed.
The key is to reframe a conversation into something you can easily repeat over and over again.
There are many ways to ask, but you simply need to remember and ask!
𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐀𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆!!!
Practice with a peer who wants to generate more referrals too and you’ll come up with some great examples to use.
I know that success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, routines, practiced every day, over and over again.
Go on – give it a go today, you’ll be surprised how effective it is!
Just remember to ask!!

Time is Life

𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞.

It is irreversible and irreplaceable.

This year has been very different from others gone by.

For the last 10 years, I’d coach circa 15 people one on one, and have around 100 – 200, sixty-to-ninety-minute coaching conversations a year, in amongst my many other professional activities.

This year, I’ve coached circa 150 people one on one, and have had around 1000 – 1200, twenty-to-forty-minute coaching conversations, in amongst my many other missionary activities.

It’s been a little busier, very different, more intensive and a little more tiring too!

However, I absolutely love it!

In amongst all of those coaching conversations, there have been many incredible discoveries made.
Amongst the many coaching techniques, I frequently use, is a very simple one, it’s akin to judo.

The word judo consists of two Japanese characters, ju, which means “gentle”, and do, which means “the way”.

Judo, therefore, literally means the gentle way.

I did say it was simple!

This is the model.

• Invite them to share their story
• Ask questions, to create curiosity and to explore their journey.
• Share a personal story as an alternative view.
• Review – what can I do better?

As you review 2022 and reflect upon all that has gone by, perhaps you can ask yourself this question too…

“What could I have done better?”