Tag Archive for: coaching

Sitting alongside

In a recent learning programme, a participant asked a question that had left her momentarily confused.
Rather than answer from the front of the room, I paused, pulled up a chair, and sat alongside her.
It was a small movement, but it changed everything.
Her face was quite the picture for a second, a clear reminder that pulling up a chair isn’t standard facilitator behaviour!
What followed wasn’t an explanation, but a coaching conversation in real time.
I was curious, empathetic and unhurried.
Listening not to reply, but to understand.
To have empathy is to be able to feel another person’s feelings.
So often, conversations can become a dialogue of the deaf, where people speak past one another, each rehearsing their response in order to reply, rather than receiving the other and seeking to understand.
Empathy interrupts that pattern.
It slows us down.
It lowers our status.
It creates safety.
I know that leadership doesn’t always mean having the answer.
Sometimes it means changing the dynamics of the moment, by stepping out of a role, sitting alongside, and being genuinely curious about where someone is thinking from.
In turn, helping others find their own answers.
When people feel understood, thinking expands.
And when thinking expands, learning follows.
That, quietly, is leading the way.
Who might benefit today from you simply sitting alongside them?

The Power of the Small

Yesterday, whilst driving to Perth, I was listening to Radio 4 when a true story was shared about an event from this week, 65 years ago, that I’d never heard before.
On 24 January 1961, a U.S. Air Force B-52 bomber suffered a catastrophic failure over eastern North Carolina. The incident is now known as the Goldsboro crash.
The aircraft was carrying two thermonuclear bombs, each with a yield hundreds of times more powerful than Hiroshima.
A fuel leak worsened mid-flight.
As the crew attempted to land, the aircraft broke apart in the air near Goldsboro.
Five of the eight crew members managed to eject. Three were killed.
Both nuclear bombs fell.
One descended by parachute and landed largely intact.
The other began its arming sequence.
Safety systems failed. One after another.
All but one final, low-voltage switch.
That small component, unremarkable, unseen – prevented a nuclear detonation.
The system just held. Barely.
It was a near-miss, at the height of the Cold War, and the scale of it is hard to comprehend.

Lessons Learned

What stayed with me isn’t the drama of the moment, but the imbalance of it all.
A tiny switch. Against a catastrophic outcome.
It’s a sobering reminder that in complex systems, and also in leadership, learning, and life – things rarely fall apart because of one big failure. They unravel through the accumulation of small things: assumptions left unchecked, habits ignored, signals dismissed as insignificant etc.
And sometimes, survival comes down not to heroics or bold intervention, but to something small simply doing what it was meant to do.
As the end of the day, small things, really are big things.
Co-facilitating the Lead the Way programme at Aviva yesterday, made me wonder what the “small switches” are in our teams, our organisations, our families and even ourselves.
The things we barely notice.
The moments we’re tempted to dismiss.
Because occasionally, those small things turn out to be everything.
What small thing, quietly holding in your world right now, might matter far more than you realise?

Why leaders tell stories

We’re all unique.
If you are anything like me, through our daily experiences, each of us gathers small nuggets of wisdom.
When we share our stories, we pass those nuggets on.
They help others learn, reflect, change, and grow.
That has certainly been my experience over the last few months.
In my new role as a leadership facilitator with Aviva, I’ve shared many personal stories.
Not to be the centre of attention, but to support learning and development.
It’s about being vulnerable and building connection by sharing a story with your whole heart.
Life experience has taught me that you need to be able to share your personal and organisational stories in all kinds of settings.
These last few months the stories I have shared have mostly been in the learning rooms or a virtual session.
Some stories are small, others are long, some are funny and entertaining, whilst others are serious and significant.
But the best stories, are always the ones that come to you in the very moment you need them.
I’ve learned to trust that. When a story comes to mind, it’s usually there for a reason.
Last week, during a leadership session, a story surfaced unexpectedly.
I asked for a volunteer and shared an experience from thirty years ago that had suddenly come into my thoughts and the impact was immediate.
It opened up insight, discussion, and learning for everyone in the room.
Don’t be afraid to tell your stories in those moments of truth.
Storytelling is a powerful leadership and learning tool. When used with intention, it creates connection, deepens understanding, and brings learning to life.
If you’ve been carrying a story, one shaped by success, challenge, failure, or learning, consider sharing it.
You never quite know who needs to hear it, or what it might unlock for them.
I’d love to hear your stories too.
The moments that shaped you, taught you something unexpected, or changed the way you lead or live.
What would change if you trusted your story and shared it when it surfaced?

Signals

At the start of our leadership session yesterday, my fellow facilitator was sitting in a very tall chair, and I was sat nearby in a much smaller one.
I couldn’t help myself; I looked up at her, then looked at all of the participants and made a silly comment about how it felt down in my seat, to some laughter in the room.
It was a fun light moment that struck me again this morning.
All of us are always sending signals, often without realising it.
They can take many forms.
It is not always the things we say or our tone of voice.
For example, through where we position ourselves, the space we take up, our body language or even the height of the chair we sit on.
These small, often unintentional cues can strongly influence how safe people feel to speak up, to question, or to offer a different perspective.
In Gestalt coaching, there is a simple idea that awareness precedes choice.
Until we notice what is happening, whether in the room, between people, or within ourselves, then nothing really changes.
Once we do notice however, even a small choice can shift the experience for everyone.
Soon after that moment, my colleague quietly went and found another tall chair, so we were more level again.
No explanation. No fuss. Just a small, thoughtful adjustment.
That is the kind of quiet leadership that often goes unnoticed.
Not loud or performative, but attentive and responsive.
A willingness to notice impact, not just intent and to act in the service of others.
It reminded me that leadership doesn’t always require a big intervention.
Sometimes it’s the smallest shifts that make the biggest difference to how people experience us.
Paying attention to these non-verbal signals can give you insights into what someone might be feeling, even if they’re not saying it explicitly.
We just have to notice.
What signals might you be sending without realising it?

Care as a response to Chaos…

After a long and productive day of team meetings in London yesterday, returning to my hotel room late in the evening, (somewhat foolishly on reflection now) I turned the news on.

Some words came to mind as I watched the stories unfold, and wrote them in my journal.

Conflict.
Confusion.
Calamities.
Commotion.
Conspiracies.

I didn’t invite those words into my thoughts; they simply arrived there.

We do, indeed, live in perilous times.

For some, there is a growing collective anxiety, as these c’s of chaos flooded into my mind.

“What can I do?” I thought.

Then I recalled one of Stephen Covey’s simple models mentioned earlier in the day, the circle of influence and control. Thankfully, it brought some peace to my mind.

The model reminds us that there are many things we are concerned about, yet there are only a smaller number of things we can truly influence.

The trouble begins when we spend too much emotional energy living in the outer circle, where the headlines, the geopolitics, the speculation, the fear and anxiety can flourish – if unchecked.

But when I consciously stepped back into my own circle of influence, something shifted for me.

In the quiet of the hotel room, I drew a simple circle on the hotel notepaper and wrote down the C’s that matter most to me.

I realised that I can choose a different set of C’s to live by.

Again, my mind returned to one of Aviva’s core values that we’d been talking about earlier in the day – care.  As I did so, some other c’s came to mind…

Within my own circle of influence, I can choose care in how I treat others. I can practice compassion when fear shows up in a conversation. I can seek clarity in what I choose to watch and share. I can also cultivate calm rather than constant reaction. But above all I can act with courage by living my values quietly and consistently.

Of course, none of this will change the news headlines.

But it does change something closer to home.

It steadies my own inner world.

And perhaps, in some small way, it might help steady yours too.

Because when the C’s of chaos feel overwhelming, choosing the C’s of care within our own circle of influence, may be the most personal and the most powerful response we have.

Where can you choose care today?

The Parable of the bicycle – updated.

As a facilitator and a learning protagonist, over many years, I have lost count of the number of leadership models shared in workshops. I have probably forgotten more than I have remembered!

Which Model?

There are my favourites such as situational leadership, servant leadership, values-based leadership, action centred leadership, adaptive leadership and a whole list of styles and 4 box grids that I have used and am very familiar with. Recently however, towards the end of a workshop a curious thoughtful participant asked, “So, which leadership model is best?” A very direct question indeed. My response was a simple one, “well……that depends”

While most of us can recognise good leadership when we experience or observe it, oftentimes it is hard for us to determine the best model to use in a difficult situation, subsequently blending leadership models as needed is a popular fix. But then it struck me. As I reflected upon the many leadership experiences I’ve had in life, a clear analogy came to mind.

The Toolbox

As a child, I recall one day that I wanted to go out on my bicycle for a ride. Forlornly, there were several issues with my bicycle, including a wobbly seat, a flat tyre, a loose wheel, poor brakes, and handle bars that were more than just a little squint. I’d not been out for a ride in a while and sadly my bicycle had fallen into disrepair. I called my dad down to the shed in the garden. He came and looked at the bicycle commenting upon the amount of work it needed to get it back into shape.

After a long pause, I recall that he set to work immediately and pulled out a big box of tools. The box was a little higgledy piggledy, and as I learned throughout his life – that that was my dad! No matter, one small spanner was used to tighten the wobbly seat. Another set of tools were used to remove the wheel, repair the puncture and blow up the tyre again and tighten it into position. Dad then got out a set of pliers to fix the brakes. Finally, another wrench was used to straighten the handlebars. All in all, using a variety of tools, after a short time, the bicycle was fixed and off I went on my ride with a gleeful smile. “Dads are great” I thought!

So, it is with leadership. Oftentimes, whilst managing and leading others we are faced with a vast array of different problems, challenges and issues. Yet, just like the multitude of tools in my dad’s box, so we too have a broad range of different leadership models to help us resolve/fix/repair/manage/lead even the most mind-boggling obstacles at times.

Tools equip us with solutions. What new shiny model do you have in your leadership toolbox, or maybe that old well-worn rusty model, over there in the corner is the best solution perhaps.

“It depends” is indeed the correct answer after all.

  • Do you have a favourite leadership model?
  • How do you apply the “tools” in your day-to-day responsibilities?

Postscript – January 2026 – A short update: six years on

I wrote the original bicycle parable a few years ago.
Different problem. Different tool. Simple.

Recently, working at Aviva, I was asked a very similar question to the one that prompted the original post:

“Which leadership model should we be using?”

What struck me wasn’t the question. It was that my answer hadn’t changed.

It depends.

That phrase often frustrates people. It can sound vague or non-committal. But it isn’t. It’s precise.

Just like the bike, leadership problems are rarely the same problem twice. A loose handlebar isn’t a puncture. A puncture isn’t a brake issue. You wouldn’t reach for the same tool and hope for the best.

Leadership models are no different.

At Aviva, where I am working now there are many models available to use. That’s not confusion. That’s a toolbox.

The real work isn’t choosing the model.
It’s understanding the problem well enough to choose a tool and your mindset is key.

So, if my answer still sounds like “it depends,” that’s because leadership still does.

And that’s probably how it should be.

 

One Step at a Time

On a New Years Day trip to Glasgow, we enjoyed taking our grandson out for a while.
It was a chilly one, but we all got dressed as warmly as we could.
We headed towards the park and had some fun there.
At one point, he walked towards the steps and Monic said “just let him go, he loves steps.”
And off he went.
He has only been walking a few weeks, so I watched with interest how he’d master 4 flights of stairs.

Stepping Up

Step by step, he’d pull himself up, one by one.
He was frequently distracted by small pebbles, and he’d stop and try and pick one up, but with his winter gloves on that proved tricky for him.
I was behind him the whole time, to support and steady him on his big adventure, ready to step in if needed.
And every now and again, he looked around just to make sure that I was there.
Making it to the top seemed to me that it was a long way for him to go.
It proved to be a little too much and I helped him complete his journey in his time of need.

Help on Hand

Reflecting this morning, I am so grateful for all who have been there for me in my time of need.
Sometimes as we set out on life’s big adventure, unexpected challenges, difficulties and distractions can arise that can test us in many ways, temporally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Adversity is often the refining fire that can strengthen us in so many ways, including our faith.
Rarely by removing the challenge, but by reminding us that we are not alone in it.
Looking back, I can see how often help has come at just the right moment for me.
Through family. Through friends. Through quiet acts of kindness and timely reassurance.
And, at times, through the unseen watchful care of a loving Heavenly Father.
“I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders… that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.” – Mosiah 24:14
As a new year begins, I’m grateful not just for the journeys we are invited to take, but for the help we are given along the way.
I am thankful too for the gentle reminder that when the climb becomes too much, there is always Someone close by, ready to steady us and help us home.
Who has helped steady you along the way?

Drawn to Learn

One of the habits I’ve carried with me for a long time is having my head buried in personal and leadership development books.

Over the years, I’ve gathered countless ideas and insights through my reading, many of which have shaped my thinking, my coaching, and the way I show up.

In almost every learning session I facilitate, I take a small stack of these books along with me, that I feel relevant for the topics at hand.

I place them quietly at the front of the room, arranged at eye level, just visible enough to stir a little curiosity.

Surfacing Ideas

Whilst facilitating, a thought, a principle, or an idea often surfaces in the room as part of a discussion.

Frequently, I have noticed that somehow in those moments a memory is triggered – a storyline, a poem or a quote and I just quietly reach for the book, to share it with the group.

And without fail, at some point, perhaps during a break, after a reflective exercise, or on the way out the door, someone wanders up to me, half-whispering the same familiar question:

“Can I have a look at your books?”

There’s something lovely about that moment.

It’s a reminder that learning is magnetic.

People are drawn to ideas, stories, and tools that promise to help them become a little more than they were yesterday.

The books aren’t there to impress.

They’re there as a silent, open invitation.

A gentle nudge that says: There’s always more to uncover. More to question. More to grow into.

And perhaps that’s one of my favourite parts of facilitation, the quiet exchanges that don’t happen when I’m speaking, but when someone chooses to explore a new possibility for themselves.

Because sometimes all it takes is the right book in the right moment… placed in just the right spot.

What’s the next idea you need to explore to grow as a leader?

Lighter Hearts, Better Days…

I meet a lot of people.
Lots.
Politely they’ll ask me, “How are you?”
Over the years, I have tried many different responses…
You know the type…
“Good”… “fine”… “alright”… perhaps even an occasional “great”… “superb” or even “brilliant!”
You have probably tried a few of these yourself.
When I ask the question myself, regularly I get very similar replies.
Some years ago, dear friends gifted me a book written by George Durrant, entitled “My Best day so far.”
Of all the responses I now love to give is “its my best day so far…”
Listen out for it, when I meet you next.
It got me thinking however…
Recently in many facilitated workshops, at the very start of our sessions together, we slow down and check in with attendees asking them how they are feeling, to bring some clarity to their thinking.
We share a “feelings wheel” and ask them to consider how they are really doing as we begin the programme.
Over these last few months, I have heard many responses, including “excited, nervous, curious, anxious, enthusiastic etc…”
In the conversations that follow it’s clear that many arrive with light and buoyant hearts, whilst others are much heavier, often after a long day of travel.
What I’m learning is this: a light heart in leadership isn’t accidental, it’s chosen.
And more often than not, I’ve discovered it’s shaped by simple habits that quietly reveal themselves as we work together.
When we start with that kind of openness, groups breathe easier and conversations deepen.
I’ve learned that’s the best part of checking in with one another, it gives us permission to show up honestly and offers a gentle reminder that we don’t have to navigate the day with a heavy heart.
In fact, if we choose it to be, it really could be “my best day so far…”
What helps your own heart stay buoyant, even on the heavy days?

Shared Purpose, Individual Paths

This week I’ve been delivering to a senior group on the new Lead the Way programme with Aviva in Perth.
As the pace of delivery picks up for me, I’m starting to see the programme in a slightly different way, from the inside out.
More people are coming through the learning centre, more conversations are happening, and each session adds a deeper layer to my understanding of the learning outcomes.
What hit me most this week, is how different every group feels, even when the content is identical.
My co-facilitators and I often use the same stories, the same themes, and similar ways of framing ideas.
Yet the reactions and insights keep shifting. A point that sparks debate in one room lands quietly in another. And a topic that feels simple one day becomes the heart of a long discussion the next.
No two programmes ever seem to unfold in the same way.
Yesterday, I also noticed a few balloons from last week’s launch are still in the learning centre. They share the same space and purpose, but each one has its own colour and shape. A simple reminder that even with a shared programme, every person brings something different to the room.
It is a clear reminder that every person attending is unique.
Each delegate brings their own mix of experience, questions, confidence, and expectations. It also means that our approach as facilitators can never be that one size fits all.
The content doesn’t shift, but everyone brings it to life in their own way.
We have to notice what each participant needs, respond to the moment, and make space for each participant to think for themselves.
For me, leadership and coaching follow similar patterns.
Leadership begins with meeting people where they are.
Coaching grows from listening, adapting, and supporting the next step that fits them.
With every session, the more I see what matters most.
Content helps, but it is not the heart of the experience. The heart is seeing each person one by one, as they really are. That is where learning starts. That is where leadership grows.
How would your leadership change if you slowed down long enough to understand what each person needs?
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