Trust

“What will be our focus?” I was asked.
In a flash my thoughts returned to an experience from 25 years ago.
I recalled one client visit, where I was approaching the close of a sale. I vividly remember that I leaned over to the client, touching her on the wrist and said “it will be okay.” I’m not quite sure what came over me, but it was a powerful act of reassurance that closed the sale. It was one of those “in the moment” experiences and it just felt like the right thing to do. It was all a matter of ๐ญ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ญ.
๐“๐ซ๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ญ is the key to building strong relationships – i.e. to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something.
Reflecting on that experience many times over, it was a particularly dangerous move, violating her personal space, touching someone, even just momentarily, that I hardly knew. If that were to happen today, I’d possibly be accused of something much more sinister!
Someone then asked…

“How do we build trust?”

I shared the trust equation.
– Credibility, the words we speak.
– Reliability, the actions we take and things we do.
– Intimacy, the stories we tell and how safe others feel around us.
– Self orientation, the extent we focus on ourselves or others.
In their book “The Trusted Advisor”(Maister, Green and Galford), propose that the level of trust we have with a person will depend on the depth of our personal relationship (intimacy & self-interest) and the breadth of issues that they are willing to discuss with us (credibility & reliability). Increasing the level of any of the variables in the numerator increases the level of trustworthiness. Decreasing the value of the denominator โ€“ will have the same effect. In other words, we can increase the level of trust in a relationship by focusing on any of these four factors.
“Trust is the glue of life. It is the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the most foundational principle that holds all relationships.” – Stephen Covey.
That one intimate moment, coupled with credibility, reliability and focusing on the needs of others was the the foundation of my sales career. Little did I know it at the time, but my determination to live and breathe those principles in my daily actions, were the key to success.
Time will pass, but when trust is present, years will go by and it will seem as if it was but the twinkling of an eye.

Understanding

“Do you understand what I mean?” he asked.
In many relationships, one of the big barriers to understanding is a lack of communication, a lack of talking things out, a lack of keeping things in the open. Oftentimes whilst counselling, one half of a relationship will sit in brooding silence, hugging any grievances close to their heart, rather than being open and honest.
Pressures can mount, small things are magnified and frequently much more than is true can be imagined in their minds by either party. Fragmentary listening, misinterpretation of ideas, and mistaken meanings of words can cause misunderstandings. And so there is much not knowing, much mistrust, much heartache, much unhappiness and sitting hurting, in silence. Happiness will not survive in pent up places.
So how do we strengthen these relationships?
We need to engage in meaningful conversations.
It all starts with the greatest of all the communication skills, and that is being an effective listener. That means slowing down. Being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and recognition. Really listening is not about gaining information, rather it is to gain understanding.
Some years ago Marvin J. Ashton said โ€œCommunication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.โ€
Regularly setting aside time to talk where there are no distractions can help to solve problems.
Why not start today and resolve to listen a little more.
When will you set aside time to communicate and really listen?

Doubt your Doubts

“No, I just can’t do it!” said the coachee.
As a professional coach I have heard that comment on so, so many occasions. It is frequently followed by limiting or debilitating stories of some kind of another.
Centuries ago addressing this issue William Shakespeare in “Measure for Measure” wrote; “Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.”
Much has been written in more recent recent years about our mindset.
Listening to Max Whitlock the British Gymnast after winning his 3rd Olympic Gold medal yesterday, he talked about the importance of a growth mindset, by focusing on the process and ignoring the distractions that come, then enjoying the challenge as much as the conclusion.

๐’๐จ๐ฆ๐ž ๐“๐ข๐ฉ๐ฌ

Another way to look at is to doubt your doubts, before you doubt yourself, by addressing your inner critic directly.
– In short – question your doubt!
– Face the fear, look at it and break it down into smaller actionable steps.
– Remember most folks have impostor-y feelings, fairly often, its quite normal!
– Focus on what you can do and not on what you can’t do.
Remember the view that you adopt for yourself will profoundly affect the way you lead your life.
What can you do today to dismiss those doubts?

Friendship

And that’s the end of our first full month (already!), back home in the Netherlands.

One thing that has struck me is the importance of ๐Ÿ๐ซ๐ข๐ž๐ง๐๐ฌ๐ก๐ข๐ฉ.

We have spent a large chunk of our first month making lots of new friends and reacquainting ourselves with many old ones too.

As we have visited together, we have laughed, cried, talked, sung, enjoyed meals, walked, played games, hugged, encouraged, helped and above all really listened to one another’s stories and experiences.

It has been a real joy to be with such wonderful friends.

My experience is that all of our interactions together are made more enjoyable and productive when they are accompanied by genuine feelings of friendship.

I remember years ago the counsel from Ralph Waldo Emerson who said โ€œ๐“๐ก๐ž ๐จ๐ง๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐š๐ฒ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ก๐š๐ฏ๐ž ๐š ๐Ÿ๐ซ๐ข๐ž๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ฌ ๐ญ๐จ ๐›๐ž ๐จ๐ง๐ž.โ€

To be a good friend, show genuine interest in others, smile, care about them, be kind, be grateful and show respect. Above all…

– ๐๐ž Real
– ๐๐ž You
– ๐๐ž your authentic self!

Being who you are is key!

What kind of friend are you?

Talents

“Would you like to play something on the piano?” I asked.
Yesterday, before going out to eat at a local pannekoekenhuis, we had a visit at home from our sister missionaries.
I know that Samantha Greenhalgh has been gifted with a wonderful talent and loves to play the piano. So, I pointed out some music sheets and invited her to take a seat. Seconds later, the room was filled with a beautiful melody. She chose not to select any of the music, rather play something from memory that was elegant and pleasing.
The short musical interlude lasted only a few minutes, but it brought peace and joy to those who were able to sit and listen for those few moments in time. I even captured a little smile from Samantha too! ๐Ÿ˜Š
Each of us have been blessed with different talents, gifts and abilities by our Heavenly Father. We have the responsibility to develop the talents that we have been given. Listening to her play the piano yesterday, it was very evident that Samantha has devoted many hours to developing her talent.
– What talents have you been gifted with?
– Have you discovered them yet?
Spending time to develop your talents, through practice, regular effort and sharing, are key principles to allow it to grow.
Consider the talents you have been blessed with and who knows, it may not be too long before you’ll be sat playing the piano, or even winning an Olympic medal!
Go on, give it a go!

Slow Down

This is my watch.
…For a while yesterday, time seemed to pass by a little slower.
…It felt a little unusual.
…By late morning, I discovered that the battery was running low.
…What I thought was 11.00, was nearly 11.45!
…We tried to find a new battery, without success.
…At first the slow passage of time was annoying.
…Now, looking at the second hand, time is going slower.
…I am enjoying the l-o-n-g-e-r passing of s-l-o-w-e-r time.
…What a joy.
…I just needed to slow down and enjoy every moment.
…My mobile will keep me on time today.
…Do you need to slow down too?

To don’t list!

“How about a “to don’t list”” – that’s a new idea I thought.
Working smart has been at the forefront of my mind the last few days. With an increasing challenge of fewer missionaries in country due to COVID-19 set to continue for the next few months, I’ve been thinking how we can work smart to address all that we need to do!
Once you accept that you have more to do than time to do it all, that is actually a very freeing concept.
We all know about to do lists, but creative thinking techniques encourage us to turn things upside down.
A “to don’t list” seems a bit of a weird idea, but actually thinking about it more, it seems to provide a lot of positives! I am starting to recognise that many times what you do not do is far more important than what you do do! Perhaps a little experiment is in order.
For example here are some ideas for starters…
– Don’t thoughtlessly scroll through social media
– Don’t always try to be right
– Don’t stay up too late
– Don’t try to please everyone
– Don’t interrupt others
Consider any bad habits you want to eliminate and anything that distracts you from being productive – that’s the key.
Go on, give it a go and write your “to don’t list” today!

Baby Steps

๐‘จ ๐’‹๐’๐’–๐’“๐’๐’†๐’š ๐’๐’‡ ๐’‚ ๐’•๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’”๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’Ž๐’Š๐’๐’†๐’” ๐’ƒ๐’†๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’˜๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐’‚ ๐’”๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ๐’๐’† ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‘ – Chinese Proverb.
Arriving in a different country, understanding a new culture and an unfamiliar language can be overwhelming at times – it certainly isn’t an instant process!
It has been over 26 years since Monic and I have lived in the Netherlands and we are already noticing how so many things have changed.
That said, one big thing that I have already learned is the value and importance of taking ๐’๐’๐’† ๐’”๐’Ž๐’‚๐’๐’ ๐’ƒ๐’‚๐’ƒ๐’š ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‘ ๐’‚๐’• ๐’‚ ๐’•๐’Š๐’Ž๐’†.

The first few steps

Tentatively, we have taken our first few steps of exploration in and around our local area. It is so beautiful, with lovely scenic walks and the people are so friendly.
Meeting with each of our missionaries one by one, has been an absolute joy.
For the first time yesterday, I was able to travel from one destination to another in the car with only a little help from the GPS. Driving can be especially challenging, especially due to the high volume of traffic and the proliferation of cyclists, everywhere!
Sitting in meetings where the language is completely Dutch no longer feels quite so painful or complete gobbledygook.
Slow, but sure, steady progress.
I have found that many of the happiest and most successful people I have encountered in life have achieved their level of life and work success by taking small baby steps, and then making one positive choice after another.
Positive new habits and routines are created incrementally, one baby step at a time. Indeed, it is through the process of change, that we discover who we really are. Patiently and carefully I am learning to lengthen my stride, one little baby step at a time!
What is a small, first step you can take and implement now in the changes you are facing in life?

A lesson from slippers

“Where are my slippers?”
It was dark, 5.00 am and the fourth night in our new home in the Netherlands. I’d lost them…..again!
That question, was one of many similar thoughts as we have started to settle into life here in the Netherlands.
– “Where is that…?”
– “Have you seen…?”
– “What did I do with…?”
– “Why did I put that there…?”
– “How does that work…?”
– “When have we to be there…?”
– “How do we get there…?”
– “Hoe zeg ik dat in het Nederlands…?”
We have been completely out of our comfort zones and routines. Every day, being stretched a little more. It has been both exciting, wonderful and tiring too! Every evening, our bed has been calling us into a deep slumber very, very easily indeed!
During times of great change…., stress, anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed can come easily. However, as we discover and introduce new routines and new structures into our lives, it can bring a sense of control, focus, organisation and in time, greater productivity.
Simply stated, having now found a new spot for my slippers, my daily routine ends with placing my slippers under the bedroom chair, so that they are easily retrieved the next morning.
It takes time, practice and effort to find and get used to new routines – but I am pleased to say, I have found my slippers every morning for the last three days… Progress! ๐Ÿ˜
What routines and daily habits do you have in your life to help you be more productive?

Asking Questions

What will you do differently because of what you learned today?

Asked any good questions lately?

Questions can be extremely powerful. They help us to think, feel and do things differently.

We all need to learn how to ask great questions!

Some professionals like doctors, lawyers and journalists are taught how to ask great questions as part of their training.

In my own professional career through sales and coaching, I have found it equally important to be able to formulate and ask the right question.

Questions aid performance, close sales, help provide inspiration and direction, they even help to build trust and rapport.

“Management teams aren’t good at asking questions. In business school, we train them to be good at giving answers.” – Clayton Christensen.

Itโ€™s time to be a little more curious. Asking questions is an important part of life and learning.

As a coach, I am constantly asking questions to help clients move forward.

– What do you really want?
– What do you need most right now?
– So what?
– Why now?
– How can you be truer to yourself?
– Can you tell me more?

What question can you use today to unlock your own potential?