Tag Archive for: body language

Reading the Room

Some years ago, I was sat in a room in a hi-powered negotiation for a major multi-million-pound contract for the company I was working for.
Discussions, pricing, and contract negotiations had been going on for several weeks.
It was time for our final meeting to agree the contract.
I’ll never forget that meeting, as I did something I’d never done before.

And so it began…

It was immediately evident that they were trying very hard to undo some of our previous agreements to find a more satisfactory arrangement for their company.
I had prepared well for the negotiation and was aware of any concessions that could be made.
Having been through many negotiations before, I knew the importance of being able to read the room, by listening for facts, details, or any signals and feelings that could arise.
Tuning in, I felt the vibe was different than our previous meetings.
I recall the body language, the vocal tones, raised eyebrows, the fleeting smiles and even frowns that day.
Those tiny facial micro expressions helped me to read between the lines, the nuances of what was being said, clues if you will, as to what was actually going on, that helped me to understand the dynamics in the room and individual emotional states.
Essentially, it was about trying to figure out or understand how the others in the room were thinking, without them actually saying something.
I worked hard to mirror and match the energy and tone of the others in order to connect with them.

Tactics

The lead negotiator from the other side was trying very hard to squeeze me on price by another 2% (read tens of thousands of pounds) and were in a hurry to close out the contract negotiations and give me the contract that day.
The win-win for us both, was becoming a win-lose for me.
It just felt-off.
They were keen for me to shake hands and sign the deal.

Now what?

Looking around the room, taking a deep breath, boldly and risking all, I thanked them for their time, closed my folder, packed up and left.
The negotiation was over.
Within an hour, they called me.
The additional 2% demand was removed, I signed, and we agreed the contract.
Whether it’s a presentation to a large audience, or an important meeting or negotiation, be mindful of reading the room.
It takes a little practice, but stop, look and listen for those non-verbal clues, they’re always there.
How can you “read the room” better?

Beyond words

Today, will mark the end of missionary interviews, the last two with our Assistants this evening.
After three years, I think Monic and I are now approaching some 6,000 coaching interviews.
We shall miss these special times; they have been a labour of love.

The Last Round

Whilst in one interview this week, a missionary inquired, “How do I ask good questions?”
Initially, I remarked about being fully present, by giving my full and utmost attention.
I mentioned the importance of deep listening, not only to the words used but the emotions felt and being guided by humility, compassion, and love.
Then, I introduced the power of clarifying.
Pausing, I said “Let’s do some roleplays…”
The missionary spoke and shared an opinion with me.
Carefully crafting the missionary’s own words in a different order, I drew attention to an aspect of the experience and asked a clarifying question.
In other words, I reflected the words back to the missionary and used them to ask a question in a different tone and a slower voice.
At first the missionary was startled by the insight, but after a little practice, soon cottoned on.
Then, I said, “You can also ask questions without words.”
“Huh?” came the response.

Body Language

You can ask questions in non-verbal ways through facial expressions, eye contact, a raised eyebrow, a puzzled look, tilting your head to the side, tugging your ear, placing your hand on your cheek, stroking your chin, using hand gestures or a combination of them all.
Self-awareness is paramount.
We practiced a little more.
To understand each other better, try slowing down and be silent.
Jesus Christ knew the importance of Psalms 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…”
A favourite saying of mine often attributed to St. Francis of Assisi reads, “Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary, use words.”
Jesus asked perceptive questions and then waited for answers, frequently listening not only with His ears but with also with His heart.
Key is to focus on what you feel inside, rather than on what you see and hear outside.
A good example is the story of faith filled Bartimaeus in Mark 10:46-52, where Jesus stopped and healed him.
Often teaching without words, simply through His actions; that is the Master’s way.
How can you listen and ask questions more compassionately?

Be

Put your mobile down.
Set your tablet or laptop aside.
Turn the television off.
Put down your book.
Are you paying attention?
Just be here.

𝐁𝐞.

In a world filled with distractions it can be easy to get side-tracked and lose focus on the person or people that matter most of all.
In a recent coaching interview, one missionary asked me a question something like this…
“President, how can I improve my communication skills?”
Reflecting for a moment, as I observed the missionary and made eye contact, I asked a question that focused on being present and the unspoken dialogue I observed before me.
I asked, “Look at me and tell me what you observe?”
Hesitating the missionary responded… “I see you!”
“What else do you see?” I asked.
“You’re sitting comfortably”.
“Yes, I am sitting comfortably, but what else?” I said.
There were a few more interactions.
However, unable to see what I was driving at; I described my body language.
Then the missionary understood that I’d been delicately mirroring or matching the gesture’s, expressions, tone of voice and seating posture throughout our conversation.
What was I really saying?
I was indicating… “I am curious about you and making an effort to understand you.”
I had slowed down.
It was a moment of true bewilderment, to watch the reaction unfold.
Observing and listening, along with things we speak, are equally critical parts of communicating, that show you care.
“We must develop the capacity to see [others] not as they are at present but as they may become.” – Thomas S. Monson.
True disciples of Jesus Christ seek to follow His example in the ways they communicate.
I love this scripture from Ephesians 4:29 …“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
If you want to develop Christlike communication, then speak with a missionary today.