Tag Archive for: active listening

Hearts Lighter. Minds Clearer.

Over the last few months, I’ve found myself listening to a few people once again in several coaching sessions – I love it!
Different conversations, different circumstances, different challenges and yet afterwards I noticed something very familiar.
Nothing dramatic had happened. I hadn’t produced a clever answer or found the perfect coaching question. Mostly, I had listened, asked a few questions, shared some observations, slowed things down and helped create some space for each of my coachees to think.
And somewhere in those conversations, something shifted for each of them.
Their challenges hadn’t necessarily disappeared, but somehow, they seemed a little less heavy.
𝑻𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒆𝒅 thoughts became clearer. Perspective returned and a way forward began to emerge.
Hearts felt a little lighter. Minds became a little clearer.
I’ve seen that happen so many, many times over the years, whether it be in coaching conversations, leadership programmes, workshops, mentoring sessions and frequently in quiet one-to-ones.
People often arrive carrying a lot: a difficult decision, a challenging relationship, an overwhelming workload, uncertainty about what comes next, or simply a feeling that something isn’t quite right.
I’ve learned that our instinct to fix things for people is rarely what they need most. Often, they simply need somewhere to think, someone who will really actively listen, so that they can be heard, and enough space for their own answers to emerge.
Empathy really helps.
That, for me, is at the heart of coaching and facilitation. It isn’t about having someone else’s answers; it is about helping them find clarity, possibility and the confidence to move forward.
My purpose has gradually become very simple:
𝑻𝒐 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒄𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒓, 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝑰 𝒈𝒐.
Perhaps that is one measure of good leadership too: Do people leave our conversations feeling a little lighter, thinking a little clearer, and seeing a way forward?
And if your own thinking feels a little tangled just now, perhaps a good conversation might help.
Sharing thoughts and emotions with someone you trust in a safe space, leads to actions.  Oftentimes, that’s where change begins.
I asked AI to help me capture what it can feel like when tangled thinking begins to loosen, unravel and clarify in a coaching conversation – see the image in this post.
Whose thinking could you help untangle simply by listening well?

Let’s take this for a walk…

Yesterday on a Lead the Way programme for Aviva in Perth, my colleague invited participants to leave their chairs behind and head out for a walk-and-talk coaching conversation.

As people paired up and started moving, I was reminded once again of the quiet power of coaching on the move.

I recalled a moment from a few years ago, when I was asked: “Where is the best place for a coaching conversation?”

I think I’ve coached in just about every setting you can imagine.

These days it’s more often on Zoom or Teams.

However, over the last few years, it’s also been parks and beachfronts as well as offices, hotel receptions, coffee shops, trains, planes, taxis, corridors, and more conversations in my own living room than I ever expected when I first trained as a coach.

What I’ve learned is this: Coaching conversations can happen anywhere.

But the best place is always the one where the coachee feels safe, at ease, and able to speak freely about what really matters.

Like yesterday, walking together added something extra.

Participants tend to be calmer, less tense, and more open than when sitting in a chair.

The shared movement can soften the intensity, reduce the pressure of eye contact, and help thoughts flow more easily.

Research also shows that it boosts creativity and cognitive flexibility.

A change of scenery often helps to change the conversation.

It shifts the energy, the pace, and sometimes the insights too.

What matters most, though, is presence.

Being fully there, in mind, body, and spirit.

Two people genuinely paying attention to one another and actively listening.

In one conversation I had yesterday, somehow the topic of Gleneagles Hotel arose.

And yes, for the record, one of the very best places I have ever coached was the restaurant there… where the coaching came with a beautiful lunch that my client kindly paid for!

I remain open to repeating that particular environment once more! 😉

Commonly leadership development looks like frameworks and models.

But in my experience, sometimes it looks like a good walk, an open conversation, and making time for some space to think.

How does changing the setting change the conversation for you?

Sitting alongside

In a recent learning programme, a participant asked a question that had left her momentarily confused.
Rather than answer from the front of the room, I paused, pulled up a chair, and sat alongside her.
It was a small movement, but it changed everything.
Her face was quite the picture for a second, a clear reminder that pulling up a chair isn’t standard facilitator behaviour!
What followed wasn’t an explanation, but a coaching conversation in real time.
I was curious, empathetic and unhurried.
Listening not to reply, but to understand.
To have empathy is to be able to feel another person’s feelings.
So often, conversations can become a dialogue of the deaf, where people speak past one another, each rehearsing their response in order to reply, rather than receiving the other and seeking to understand.
Empathy interrupts that pattern.
It slows us down.
It lowers our status.
It creates safety.
I know that leadership doesn’t always mean having the answer.
Sometimes it means changing the dynamics of the moment, by stepping out of a role, sitting alongside, and being genuinely curious about where someone is thinking from.
In turn, helping others find their own answers.
When people feel understood, thinking expands.
And when thinking expands, learning follows.
That, quietly, is leading the way.
Who might benefit today from you simply sitting alongside them?

Small Moments, Big Shifts

Its been nearly two months since I stepped into my new leadership facilitation role with Aviva.
I’ve been busy learning lots about new programmes and perhaps most meaningfully, seeing the power of thinking partnerships.
One of my favourite moments in many of our recent Lead the Way workshops comes during a simple but powerful “buddy coaching” conversation.
There are four different variations of the programme, depending upon seniority level.
During each programme, individuals are frequently randomly paired together.
It’s there, that the coaching conversations begin.
One person reflecting, the other listening deeply and asking thoughtful questions.
We encourage them to be curious.
Two people, fully present, exploring what it means to grow.
On the surface, it seems like a short exercise.
However, I’ve noticed that it only takes a few intentional minutes with a learning buddy like this, to unlock something deeper, a fresh idea or perhaps a new direction for them to consider.

Sitting and Walking

Buddy coaching isn’t simply about sitting opposite each other at a table, some of the best conversations and discoveries are made whilst out for a walk together.
Changing the environment can really help each of us change how we look at things.
“Walking is man’s best medicine.” – Hippocrates
In their conversations, leaders ask each other:
• How would you describe yourself as a leader right now?
• What assumptions do you carry about leadership?
• What would ‘better’ look like for you?
Every time we run this exercise, there is a noticeable, yet subtle shift in the energy in the room, from quiet reflection to rich dialogue.
These short listening and questioning exercises help people slow down and connect.
Interestingly, another upside is they think more intentionally about how they lead and respond to change.
Sometimes the most profound learning moments don’t come from slides or theories, but from being truly heard by another person.
A simple reminder that great leadership often starts with great listening.
When was the last time you truly listened, not to respond, but to understand?

A 400-year leap

One of my favourite ways to start a learning session is with an icebreaker I call “A conversation with a Time Traveller.”
Two people pair up: one plays someone from the early 1600s, the other plays a modern-day person, it’s like having a conversation with one of your ancestors.
The 2025 partner’s job is to choose something the 1600s person wouldn’t recognise.
Something like a smartphone, Netflix, or a drive-thru, and then try to explain it in a way they can grasp.
The fun comes from realising how hard it is to describe something so normal to us, yet so weird to them.
It’s a reminder that things and our understanding of them, can change dramatically over time.
The same is true with the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The scriptures often speak to people in the language and symbols of their day.
For instance, a shepherd, a fisherman, a farmer in ancient times would hear parables, yet only to those spiritually ready, were revealed the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven.
Concerning the parables of Jesus, Howard W. Hunter said: “They are so simple a child can understand, yet profound enough for the sage and philosopher.”

Our Understanding Today

That was true for someone living in the 1600s, and in our digital world of today.
Those same teachings sometimes require a new frame of reference for us to truly understand.
Jesus promised that the Spirit would “guide you into all truth” (John 16:13).
I know that God meets us where we are and teaches us in ways we can truly understand.
In our time in Belgium and the Netherlands, I saw many young missionaries learn to speak to people from different cultures and in many different languages, as they slowed down to understand.
In the same way, we can learn to share the gospel in ways that make sense to others, no matter how different their “world” may be from ours.
It starts by listening first, seeing through their eyes, hearing with their ears, and understanding their questions, as if we were in their shoes, before we even speak.
Just like in the icebreaker, it takes patience, creativity, and a willingness to see through someone else’s perspective.
The gospel never changes, but the way we understand and share it must speak the language of the listener – whether they come from the 1600s, the 21st century, or anywhere in between.
How might you prepare today to better connect with the “time travellers” you meet tomorrow?

Understanding

“Do you understand what I mean?” he asked.
In many relationships, one of the big barriers to understanding is a lack of communication, a lack of talking things out, a lack of keeping things in the open. Oftentimes whilst counselling, one half of a relationship will sit in brooding silence, hugging any grievances close to their heart, rather than being open and honest.
Pressures can mount, small things are magnified and frequently much more than is true can be imagined in their minds by either party. Fragmentary listening, misinterpretation of ideas, and mistaken meanings of words can cause misunderstandings. And so there is much not knowing, much mistrust, much heartache, much unhappiness and sitting hurting, in silence. Happiness will not survive in pent up places.
So how do we strengthen these relationships?
We need to engage in meaningful conversations.
It all starts with the greatest of all the communication skills, and that is being an effective listener. That means slowing down. Being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and recognition. Really listening is not about gaining information, rather it is to gain understanding.
Some years ago Marvin J. Ashton said “Communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.”
Regularly setting aside time to talk where there are no distractions can help to solve problems.
Why not start today and resolve to listen a little more.
When will you set aside time to communicate and really listen?

Eye contact – connections!

Why is making eye contact so important?

Yesterday, I recorded a video for the British Heart Foundation with tips for audience engagement and presentations. I shared a few ideas, but it struck me how really valuable eye contact is!

In every instance and often unwittingly we use our eyes as a means of communication with other people. It’s a very important form of body language. In fact, when you have good eye contact with another person, it demonstrates that you are paying attention and listening.

Using your eyes is a powerful way to really connect with another person, whether with members of an audience as you scan their faces one by one, or in our virtual world by actually looking into the camera! Sharing yourself openly with an audience, builds trust and is literally the window to your soul and theirs!

As you maintain eye contact with the person you are talking to, it denotes your interest and expresses that “You are important and I am listening.” When you don’t look people in the eye, they are much less likely to engage with you. Conversely, when you look someone in the eye, they are more likely to engage with you and much more likely to listen!

Making eye contact builds rapport and always helps to connect. Give it a go today!

Are you listening?

This past week it struck me that the word listen is made up of the same letters as silent. Coincidence?

Maybe we need to be silent to really listen a little more perhaps?

Yesterday I was busy redesigning a virtual learning workshop. As I was reflecting upon how much listening I do in my coaching career and as a facilitator, I realised… I listen a lot!!

Here are my top tips on active listening from my design work yesterday…

– Pay Attention! Don’t just listen to the words, or simply respond…hear the complete message, as Stephen Covey always used to say, listen to understand.

– Show that you are interested – nod, use facial expressions, use eye contact, make verbal comments like “uh huh” or I see.

– Listen to the other person’s story without being judgmental.

– Use empathy to understand and feel what the other person is feeling.

– Ask open questions to probe further, check for understanding and summarise.

– Don’t be afraid of silence – frequently that is when the most is going on.

How can you listen a little more today?

One by One

Over the last 30 + years, I have had many opportunities, with 1000’s of individuals to provide coaching, counselling or to share in a mentoring session together.

There are numerous articles, suggestions, models and books outlining what makes a great coaching conversation. In addition, I have also contributed to many discussions in lots of forums on the topic too.

I was however recently reminded again of a blindingly obvious point, it is this – simply stated, these conversations happen 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙗𝙮 𝙤𝙣𝙚.

Intimate one by one conversations enable the most effective and powerful opportunities for change to occur. Giving someone your undivided attention for 30, 60 or even 90 minutes creates a powerful, meaningful, candid and insightful crucible for change. It is distraction free time.

Frequently, during these one by one moments a “reality check” occurs for the coachee. Indeed, a coaching conversation is perhaps the most personal and powerful form of communication and change that there is.

If you want change to happen, then you need to slow down, make time, listen to understand and consider the power of a coaching conversation, 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙗𝙮 𝙤𝙣𝙚.

Who will you hold a coaching conversation with today?

Intuition

At the start of my coaching career I often thought – “I can’t say that” – but now as the years have gone by, I always do.

One of the great lessons I have learned in my coaching practice is to trust my intuition. “A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.”

In the beginning, I’d worry about where that may lead a coaching session, I guess it felt a little risky. Oftentimes, it does take the flow of the session in a new direction, but never a wrong one, simply a different one. On reflection those moments frequently turn into the most meaningful and insightful learning opportunities.

My philosophy now after years of practice, is to listen to that still small voice, its a feeling that always comes. Paying attention to and observing what is really going on, is a powerful enabler. It brings clarity. There are lots of different names in the coaching world for this, but experience has taught me to always follow and trust your intuition.

My invitation – start to take notice of yours and good things will happen too.

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