Tag Archive for: listening

Reading the Room

Some years ago, I was sat in a room in a hi-powered negotiation for a major multi-million-pound contract for the company I was working for.
Discussions, pricing, and contract negotiations had been going on for several weeks.
It was time for our final meeting to agree the contract.
I’ll never forget that meeting, as I did something I’d never done before.

And so it began…

It was immediately evident that they were trying very hard to undo some of our previous agreements to find a more satisfactory arrangement for their company.
I had prepared well for the negotiation and was aware of any concessions that could be made.
Having been through many negotiations before, I knew the importance of being able to read the room, by listening for facts, details, or any signals and feelings that could arise.
Tuning in, I felt the vibe was different than our previous meetings.
I recall the body language, the vocal tones, raised eyebrows, the fleeting smiles and even frowns that day.
Those tiny facial micro expressions helped me to read between the lines, the nuances of what was being said, clues if you will, as to what was actually going on, that helped me to understand the dynamics in the room and individual emotional states.
Essentially, it was about trying to figure out or understand how the others in the room were thinking, without them actually saying something.
I worked hard to mirror and match the energy and tone of the others in order to connect with them.

Tactics

The lead negotiator from the other side was trying very hard to squeeze me on price by another 2% (read tens of thousands of pounds) and were in a hurry to close out the contract negotiations and give me the contract that day.
The win-win for us both, was becoming a win-lose for me.
It just felt-off.
They were keen for me to shake hands and sign the deal.

Now what?

Looking around the room, taking a deep breath, boldly and risking all, I thanked them for their time, closed my folder, packed up and left.
The negotiation was over.
Within an hour, they called me.
The additional 2% demand was removed, I signed, and we agreed the contract.
Whether it’s a presentation to a large audience, or an important meeting or negotiation, be mindful of reading the room.
It takes a little practice, but stop, look and listen for those non-verbal clues, they’re always there.
How can you “read the room” better?

Heart to Heart

If your heart could speak, what would it say?
What does it really long to say?
What does it long to hear?
Being away for three years, has meant a lot of catch-up conversations recently.
Dialogue, with many dear friends and family, home and abroad, face to face and online.
Reflecting this morning on those conversations, I’ve realised that many of them have been heart to heart.

A definition…

Heart to Heart – “a serious conversation between two people, usually close friends, in which they talk honestly about their feelings.”
They haven’t been trivial or inconsequential.
Rather they’re deeper, somehow they feel much more vital and nourishing to each other’s souls, allowing our hearts to really connect.
There has been much more giving and receiving.
In addition, they have also created an even stronger relationship of mutual trust and understanding.
I have even listened to a lot of heartfelt emotions that I wasn’t aware of before.
And interestingly, I’ve begun to understand myself even more.
Significantly, there has been more undivided attention in those moments.
As the dialogue emerges from each other’s heart, the conversations are vulnerable and delicate.
Maybe it’s because for the first time in a while I have more time and am less distracted, but I have found that I am more thoughtful, more compassionate and found it easier to listen with more love.
I have learned to listen, reflect and respond in that order once more.
And I have also been reminded that without having open vulnerable dialogue – we cannot and will not grow.
Moments of struggle have been openly shared.
It is important too, to mean what you say and say what you mean.
Someone once said ““The beauty of a heart-to-heart conversation is that it allows us to share our deepest fears, joys, and dreams, knowing that we will be met with empathy and kindness.”
As I restart my coaching practice, I look forward to many more of these quite remarkable conversations.
“We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.” – J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)
When was the last time you had a heart-to-heart conversation with someone?

Promptings

In my prayers one morning this week, I specifically asked that I’d recognise any subtle promptings or spiritual insights that day.
Arising from my knees, I made my to do list for the day and set off getting things done.
Late morning, instead of driving to visit my mum, I felt to take a 45-minute walk instead.
After a lovely visit with mum, I set off for home.

Insightful detour

I felt to take a longer route home, a slight detour.
This route took me near the house of a dear old friend, who I hadn’t seen in a few years.
Approaching the house, I had a feeling to ring the bell, but I chose to ignore the thought.
At the front door, the thought came for the second time… “ring the bell” again, I chose to ignore the prompting.
About 5 metres after passing by the house, the prompting came the third time, much louder “Go back. Ring the bell.”
I stopped.
I turned around, walked back a few steps and rang the bell.
Once – No answer. Twice – No answer. On the third time, the door creaked open and there was my dear old friend….
“Paul” my friend said. “No, it’s Daryl” I replied.
I was ushered inside.
We visited for about an hour.

How can I help?

I listened intently and asked if there was anything I could do.
I returned the next afternoon with medications and listened again a while longer.
I know that spiritual promptings come.
We simply need to recognise them, listen intently and have faith to take action.
In one of their many “Don’t Miss This” series, David Butler and Emily Freeman call these moments “Compassionate Detours.”
Reviewing Matthew Chapter 9 they considered a day in the life of Jesus Christ.
“But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them.” – Matthew 9:38.
On several occasions, He stopped and ministered, compassionately to the one.
Why not look out for a compassionate detour today…
Stop long enough to heed and listen to the promptings – that always come.
In the busyness of your complex life, do you notice the needs of others?

Thinking Together

I marvel at the thoughts, insights and commitment that I see from my colleagues and dear friends in my leadership, learning, coaching, mentoring, training and facilitation network.
It is clear to me that they are learning from their own journeys and experiences of life.
Willingly, freely and regularly they share those learnings with others.
There is a great power in all of our journeys.
There are critical learning points and instruction all along the way.
We just need to slow down long enough to learn those lessons for ourselves.

Potential

As learning protagonists, professional coaches and mentors, our responsibility is to help unleash the real potential of those people with whom we work.
And how do we do that?
One meaningful conversation at a time.
My personal witness is that I have seen many individuals figuratively take a step into the “unknown” with a good coach or mentor by their side.
How have you grown these last few years?
What leadership lessons have you learned through your journey in life?

…thy might

Reflecting this morning, I was mindful of a scripture in Ecclesiastes 9:10.
“Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might…”
In the world in which we live, there is much worthwhile work for every one of us to do.
And when we do, we must remember these words from Solomon in Ecclesiastes.
That we must go and do, whatever it is, with our might!
And going and doing at times may mean a lot of actual work.
And yet, once again, I am grateful for my peers and fellow coaches who have found something to do and choose to go and do it with their might.
With the help of a coach or mentor, all of us must come to an honest, open self-examination, an awareness within, as to who and what we want to be, do and achieve.
“To the noble art of getting things done we must add the more noble art of leaving things undone.” – ancient oriental saying.
Coping with the complex and diverse challenges of everyday life, which by itself, is not an easy task, can upset the balance and harmony we seek.
I know of many good people who care a great deal and are trying very hard to maintain balance, but they sometimes feel overwhelmed and defeated.
If that’s you – then reach out to a good coach or mentor today, with their might, they “might” be able to help you along your journey in life.

Beyond words

Today, will mark the end of missionary interviews, the last two with our Assistants this evening.
After three years, I think Monic and I are now approaching some 6,000 coaching interviews.
We shall miss these special times; they have been a labour of love.

The Last Round

Whilst in one interview this week, a missionary inquired, “How do I ask good questions?”
Initially, I remarked about being fully present, by giving my full and utmost attention.
I mentioned the importance of deep listening, not only to the words used but the emotions felt and being guided by humility, compassion, and love.
Then, I introduced the power of clarifying.
Pausing, I said “Let’s do some roleplays…”
The missionary spoke and shared an opinion with me.
Carefully crafting the missionary’s own words in a different order, I drew attention to an aspect of the experience and asked a clarifying question.
In other words, I reflected the words back to the missionary and used them to ask a question in a different tone and a slower voice.
At first the missionary was startled by the insight, but after a little practice, soon cottoned on.
Then, I said, “You can also ask questions without words.”
“Huh?” came the response.

Body Language

You can ask questions in non-verbal ways through facial expressions, eye contact, a raised eyebrow, a puzzled look, tilting your head to the side, tugging your ear, placing your hand on your cheek, stroking your chin, using hand gestures or a combination of them all.
Self-awareness is paramount.
We practiced a little more.
To understand each other better, try slowing down and be silent.
Jesus Christ knew the importance of Psalms 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…”
A favourite saying of mine often attributed to St. Francis of Assisi reads, “Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary, use words.”
Jesus asked perceptive questions and then waited for answers, frequently listening not only with His ears but with also with His heart.
Key is to focus on what you feel inside, rather than on what you see and hear outside.
A good example is the story of faith filled Bartimaeus in Mark 10:46-52, where Jesus stopped and healed him.
Often teaching without words, simply through His actions; that is the Master’s way.
How can you listen and ask questions more compassionately?

Divine Tutorials

It’s been an enjoyable week of 1-1 coaching interviews for Monic and I in Amsterdam, Leiden and Rotterdam.
We continue on our last round of these interviews before returning home at the end of June.
For some of the missionaries it was their first and also, sadly, their last interview with us.
I have considered these 25 – 30-minute personal coaching sessions as divine tutorials.
They’re certainly a little different from university tutorials!

Definitions

Some personal definitions of these sessions would be something like this…
𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞: Relating to and filled with inspiration and love from God.
𝐓𝐮𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐥: a one-on-one learning session, with a young missionary, where we come to know one another better, discuss problems, challenges and seek assistance through heaven’s help.
Over these last few years, there have been thousands of these 1-1 sessions.
Each different, but in some ways the same.

The Last Session

This week was no different, except we all knew this was our last session together.
We talked, we shared, we problem solved, we taught, we listened, we laughed, we cried, we prayed, we encouraged, promises were shared.
As I listened, I realised that as each missionary shared with me their personal challenges, it was as if each of them were being tried in a very personal and unique way in what I’d call, the 𝑳𝒐𝒓𝒅’𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒆.
Why is missionary work so hard sometimes?
Why does the Lord let such difficult things happen?
Why did it work out that way?
My witness is this…
As they apply the teachings of Jesus Christ and develop His attributes in their own life’s, I know that every single one of them changes.
I know that 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒆, 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒆𝒍.
Individually, they are galvanized and welded into a powerful cohesive group of friends in the Belgium Netherlands Mission of De Kerk van Jezus Christus van de Heiligen der Laatste Dagen
It is beautiful to behold, over and over and over again.
These moments will be treasured forever and ever.
Have you experienced a divine tutorial?

Be

Put your mobile down.
Set your tablet or laptop aside.
Turn the television off.
Put down your book.
Are you paying attention?
Just be here.

𝐁𝐞.

In a world filled with distractions it can be easy to get side-tracked and lose focus on the person or people that matter most of all.
In a recent coaching interview, one missionary asked me a question something like this…
“President, how can I improve my communication skills?”
Reflecting for a moment, as I observed the missionary and made eye contact, I asked a question that focused on being present and the unspoken dialogue I observed before me.
I asked, “Look at me and tell me what you observe?”
Hesitating the missionary responded… “I see you!”
“What else do you see?” I asked.
“You’re sitting comfortably”.
“Yes, I am sitting comfortably, but what else?” I said.
There were a few more interactions.
However, unable to see what I was driving at; I described my body language.
Then the missionary understood that I’d been delicately mirroring or matching the gesture’s, expressions, tone of voice and seating posture throughout our conversation.
What was I really saying?
I was indicating… “I am curious about you and making an effort to understand you.”
I had slowed down.
It was a moment of true bewilderment, to watch the reaction unfold.
Observing and listening, along with things we speak, are equally critical parts of communicating, that show you care.
“We must develop the capacity to see [others] not as they are at present but as they may become.” – Thomas S. Monson.
True disciples of Jesus Christ seek to follow His example in the ways they communicate.
I love this scripture from Ephesians 4:29 …“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
If you want to develop Christlike communication, then speak with a missionary today.

Curious?

“How do I have better conversations?” the young missionary asked.
In response I said, “Be curious!”
We then roleplayed several conversations, restating and rephrasing words spoken, then asking further questions, by being 𝒄𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔.
It was enlightening as we explored questions together.
Children tend to have it in abundance.
Curiosity has to be a personal practice.
Curiosity allows us to find out about another person’s reality, their views and their perspective.
Its easier said than done, but it takes humility and meekness, to escape the trap of thinking/feeling of “being right” at times, and see beyond our own thoughts.
To be really curious you need to see beyond what you think you know and become much more fascinated by the way others see things.
Consider every conversation as an opportunity to learn something new.
Curiosity requires that you become genuinely super interested in what the other person is thinking and saying.
It is important to slow down, be very present and take time to ask questions, listen and observe.
And you also need to suspend any judgements that you may be tempted to make!
Be inquisitive.
Ask others their opinions, their perspectives, and their approaches to certain things.
“I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.” – Albert Einstein.
Curious minds are exploring minds.
Yesterday, I met a complete stranger and engaged with them on a personal level, by being curious about where they came from, why they were in Amsterdam, and simply showing some genuine interest in them.
It was a wonderful conversation, and we discovered some insightful connections.
I was simply being curious.
These are a few of my thoughts and ideas this morning.
I’d be really interested in hearing a few of yours.
How do you stay curious?

Connections

You are not Alone.
Despite having a companion, sometimes I am confronted by the fact that missionaries can feel alone.
Serving in a foreign land, far from home, with a different language and culture can create feelings of homesickness.
It is not easy for some as they wrestle with loneliness and discouragement.
Being homesick isn’t at all bad.
It is natural after all to miss those you love most.
Similarly, it is natural to miss the familiar places you know best, where you feel safe and secure.
Being disconnected can and does bring feelings of loneliness.

Connections

And in my experience, connection is something we all strive for in our lives.
Missionaries, however, always have many people for them to connect with.
Knowing that people love and care, is so important.
Parents, siblings, other family and friends are only a call away via technology or regular mail.
More especially, mission leaders, companions and many other missionaries are always on hand to connect with.
And most of all, there are two people always willing to connect with us, at all times and in all places, no matter what we may be going through, namely Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
Each of us, can always turn to Them.
They know us, personally.
Jesus Christ has said, “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you” (John 14:18).

Overcoming Loneliness

Gordon B. Hinckley said, “I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work, service in behalf of others”.
We read in Proverbs, “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).
Listening ears and an understanding heart comes for missionaries and for you and me), as they take time, to serve, to slow down, to study, to talk and to pray together.
Recently, I have enjoyed doing just that with many missionaries.
Making time for those special connections, really does make a difference.
Who can you connect with today?

Conversation Buddies

At our recent zone conferences, we held a communication activity.
We created a safe space to talk out loud and recreate a companionship council.
It was fun to observe, as each missionary verbalised their thinking.
They each taught one another something they didn’t know!
I noticed too, sometimes, we don’t listen to each other at all.
We may speak at each other, or past each other, rather than with each other.
Part of the exercise was to learn how to talk with one another in honest and effective ways.
Communication is an essential part of daily life, it’s like a lubricant for all our relationships.
Entering a conversation, we join with our own opinions, feelings, and experiences.
Conversations can hold immense power, create connection, and help us to grow.
With their conversation buddies, missionaries learned how to communicate more effectively, in turn leading to the need for some change.

Change

Change is hard.
We’re all human, and we all have our struggles, right?
Your biggest rival to change is most likely some internal obstacle that is going on in your head!
– A lack of confidence
– Laziness
– Procrastination
– Stubbornness
When we attempt to change, sometimes we may apply the wrong tactics.
Yet, daily, seemingly small decisions, can all add up to make a big difference.

Time

As I watch each missionary arrive at the start of their mission, over time, I see them develop, and change.
As each of them humbly turns to one another, and then ultimately turn to Jesus Christ’s great example, He increase’s their capacity to change.
Exercising their faith in Jesus Christ, it is only through Him, that they are all given the strength to make lasting changes in their lives.
He literally changes their hearts, because of His great love and empathy for the people He served.
He can and will do the same for each of us, as we accept His invitation to “Come Follow Him”.
Week in, week out, I am a witness to many, who have experienced a “change of heart” (Alma 5:26) as they learn more about divine communication.
Why not seek out a new conversation buddy, and speak with a missionary today…
How can faith in Jesus Christ help you to change?