Tag Archive for: listening

Beyond words

Today, will mark the end of missionary interviews, the last two with our Assistants this evening.
After three years, I think Monic and I are now approaching some 6,000 coaching interviews.
We shall miss these special times; they have been a labour of love.

The Last Round

Whilst in one interview this week, a missionary inquired, “How do I ask good questions?”
Initially, I remarked about being fully present, by giving my full and utmost attention.
I mentioned the importance of deep listening, not only to the words used but the emotions felt and being guided by humility, compassion, and love.
Then, I introduced the power of clarifying.
Pausing, I said “Let’s do some roleplays…”
The missionary spoke and shared an opinion with me.
Carefully crafting the missionary’s own words in a different order, I drew attention to an aspect of the experience and asked a clarifying question.
In other words, I reflected the words back to the missionary and used them to ask a question in a different tone and a slower voice.
At first the missionary was startled by the insight, but after a little practice, soon cottoned on.
Then, I said, “You can also ask questions without words.”
“Huh?” came the response.

Body Language

You can ask questions in non-verbal ways through facial expressions, eye contact, a raised eyebrow, a puzzled look, tilting your head to the side, tugging your ear, placing your hand on your cheek, stroking your chin, using hand gestures or a combination of them all.
Self-awareness is paramount.
We practiced a little more.
To understand each other better, try slowing down and be silent.
Jesus Christ knew the importance of Psalms 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…”
A favourite saying of mine often attributed to St. Francis of Assisi reads, “Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary, use words.”
Jesus asked perceptive questions and then waited for answers, frequently listening not only with His ears but with also with His heart.
Key is to focus on what you feel inside, rather than on what you see and hear outside.
A good example is the story of faith filled Bartimaeus in Mark 10:46-52, where Jesus stopped and healed him.
Often teaching without words, simply through His actions; that is the Master’s way.
How can you listen and ask questions more compassionately?

Divine Tutorials

It’s been an enjoyable week of 1-1 coaching interviews for Monic and I in Amsterdam, Leiden and Rotterdam.
We continue on our last round of these interviews before returning home at the end of June.
For some of the missionaries it was their first and also, sadly, their last interview with us.
I have considered these 25 – 30-minute personal coaching sessions as divine tutorials.
They’re certainly a little different from university tutorials!

Definitions

Some personal definitions of these sessions would be something like this…
𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞: Relating to and filled with inspiration and love from God.
𝐓𝐮𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐥: a one-on-one learning session, with a young missionary, where we come to know one another better, discuss problems, challenges and seek assistance through heaven’s help.
Over these last few years, there have been thousands of these 1-1 sessions.
Each different, but in some ways the same.

The Last Session

This week was no different, except we all knew this was our last session together.
We talked, we shared, we problem solved, we taught, we listened, we laughed, we cried, we prayed, we encouraged, promises were shared.
As I listened, I realised that as each missionary shared with me their personal challenges, it was as if each of them were being tried in a very personal and unique way in what I’d call, the 𝑳𝒐𝒓𝒅’𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒆.
Why is missionary work so hard sometimes?
Why does the Lord let such difficult things happen?
Why did it work out that way?
My witness is this…
As they apply the teachings of Jesus Christ and develop His attributes in their own life’s, I know that every single one of them changes.
I know that 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒆, 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒆𝒍.
Individually, they are galvanized and welded into a powerful cohesive group of friends in the Belgium Netherlands Mission of De Kerk van Jezus Christus van de Heiligen der Laatste Dagen
It is beautiful to behold, over and over and over again.
These moments will be treasured forever and ever.
Have you experienced a divine tutorial?

Be

Put your mobile down.
Set your tablet or laptop aside.
Turn the television off.
Put down your book.
Are you paying attention?
Just be here.

𝐁𝐞.

In a world filled with distractions it can be easy to get side-tracked and lose focus on the person or people that matter most of all.
In a recent coaching interview, one missionary asked me a question something like this…
“President, how can I improve my communication skills?”
Reflecting for a moment, as I observed the missionary and made eye contact, I asked a question that focused on being present and the unspoken dialogue I observed before me.
I asked, “Look at me and tell me what you observe?”
Hesitating the missionary responded… “I see you!”
“What else do you see?” I asked.
“You’re sitting comfortably”.
“Yes, I am sitting comfortably, but what else?” I said.
There were a few more interactions.
However, unable to see what I was driving at; I described my body language.
Then the missionary understood that I’d been delicately mirroring or matching the gesture’s, expressions, tone of voice and seating posture throughout our conversation.
What was I really saying?
I was indicating… “I am curious about you and making an effort to understand you.”
I had slowed down.
It was a moment of true bewilderment, to watch the reaction unfold.
Observing and listening, along with things we speak, are equally critical parts of communicating, that show you care.
“We must develop the capacity to see [others] not as they are at present but as they may become.” – Thomas S. Monson.
True disciples of Jesus Christ seek to follow His example in the ways they communicate.
I love this scripture from Ephesians 4:29 …“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
If you want to develop Christlike communication, then speak with a missionary today.

Curious?

“How do I have better conversations?” the young missionary asked.
In response I said, “Be curious!”
We then roleplayed several conversations, restating and rephrasing words spoken, then asking further questions, by being 𝒄𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔.
It was enlightening as we explored questions together.
Children tend to have it in abundance.
Curiosity has to be a personal practice.
Curiosity allows us to find out about another person’s reality, their views and their perspective.
Its easier said than done, but it takes humility and meekness, to escape the trap of thinking/feeling of “being right” at times, and see beyond our own thoughts.
To be really curious you need to see beyond what you think you know and become much more fascinated by the way others see things.
Consider every conversation as an opportunity to learn something new.
Curiosity requires that you become genuinely super interested in what the other person is thinking and saying.
It is important to slow down, be very present and take time to ask questions, listen and observe.
And you also need to suspend any judgements that you may be tempted to make!
Be inquisitive.
Ask others their opinions, their perspectives, and their approaches to certain things.
“I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.” – Albert Einstein.
Curious minds are exploring minds.
Yesterday, I met a complete stranger and engaged with them on a personal level, by being curious about where they came from, why they were in Amsterdam, and simply showing some genuine interest in them.
It was a wonderful conversation, and we discovered some insightful connections.
I was simply being curious.
These are a few of my thoughts and ideas this morning.
I’d be really interested in hearing a few of yours.
How do you stay curious?

Connections

You are not Alone.
Despite having a companion, sometimes I am confronted by the fact that missionaries can feel alone.
Serving in a foreign land, far from home, with a different language and culture can create feelings of homesickness.
It is not easy for some as they wrestle with loneliness and discouragement.
Being homesick isn’t at all bad.
It is natural after all to miss those you love most.
Similarly, it is natural to miss the familiar places you know best, where you feel safe and secure.
Being disconnected can and does bring feelings of loneliness.

Connections

And in my experience, connection is something we all strive for in our lives.
Missionaries, however, always have many people for them to connect with.
Knowing that people love and care, is so important.
Parents, siblings, other family and friends are only a call away via technology or regular mail.
More especially, mission leaders, companions and many other missionaries are always on hand to connect with.
And most of all, there are two people always willing to connect with us, at all times and in all places, no matter what we may be going through, namely Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
Each of us, can always turn to Them.
They know us, personally.
Jesus Christ has said, “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you” (John 14:18).

Overcoming Loneliness

Gordon B. Hinckley said, “I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work, service in behalf of others”.
We read in Proverbs, “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).
Listening ears and an understanding heart comes for missionaries and for you and me), as they take time, to serve, to slow down, to study, to talk and to pray together.
Recently, I have enjoyed doing just that with many missionaries.
Making time for those special connections, really does make a difference.
Who can you connect with today?

Conversation Buddies

At our recent zone conferences, we held a communication activity.
We created a safe space to talk out loud and recreate a companionship council.
It was fun to observe, as each missionary verbalised their thinking.
They each taught one another something they didn’t know!
I noticed too, sometimes, we don’t listen to each other at all.
We may speak at each other, or past each other, rather than with each other.
Part of the exercise was to learn how to talk with one another in honest and effective ways.
Communication is an essential part of daily life, it’s like a lubricant for all our relationships.
Entering a conversation, we join with our own opinions, feelings, and experiences.
Conversations can hold immense power, create connection, and help us to grow.
With their conversation buddies, missionaries learned how to communicate more effectively, in turn leading to the need for some change.

Change

Change is hard.
We’re all human, and we all have our struggles, right?
Your biggest rival to change is most likely some internal obstacle that is going on in your head!
– A lack of confidence
– Laziness
– Procrastination
– Stubbornness
When we attempt to change, sometimes we may apply the wrong tactics.
Yet, daily, seemingly small decisions, can all add up to make a big difference.

Time

As I watch each missionary arrive at the start of their mission, over time, I see them develop, and change.
As each of them humbly turns to one another, and then ultimately turn to Jesus Christ’s great example, He increase’s their capacity to change.
Exercising their faith in Jesus Christ, it is only through Him, that they are all given the strength to make lasting changes in their lives.
He literally changes their hearts, because of His great love and empathy for the people He served.
He can and will do the same for each of us, as we accept His invitation to “Come Follow Him”.
Week in, week out, I am a witness to many, who have experienced a “change of heart” (Alma 5:26) as they learn more about divine communication.
Why not seek out a new conversation buddy, and speak with a missionary today…
How can faith in Jesus Christ help you to change?

Notetaking

It is an interesting little four-letter word “note.”
There are all kinds of notes, including bank notes, musical notes, people of note, promissory notes to pay a debt, or a brief record/memorandum used to assist our memories.
In my lifetime, I have sat through all kinds of meetings, thousands of them.
Note taking has frequently been part of my routine.
I know that by listening to and then summarising what you hear can help you understand and remember the information later.
I have probably filled up 100’s if not 1000’s of notebooks too.
Some of which I treasure to this day.
I’ve gathered action points and insights galore.
Taking notes can help you to concentrate and listen more effectively.
In fact, notetaking can also help keep you awake at times and even forces you to pay attention!

Paying attention

Growing older however, I’ve recognised that the most thoughts, impressions and feelings come gently, very softly even.
Last week whilst in a zoom call with Elder David Bednar, with other European mission leaders, he encouraged us to do something different.
Previously, sat in these kinds of meetings my experience is that there is an in initial rush to capture what an Apostle is saying, and like many others I found myself trying to keep up.
This time however, he invited us not to take dictation style notes, but rather to record personal impressions, as President Russell M. Nelson has challenged, so that “I know for myself”.

Knowing

I started to look for and listen for those customised messages, specially crafted so that I could “know for myself” what I needed to learn in that very moment.
As I listened to learn, my note taking changed from words he stated, to personal meaningful impressions that came.
I recognised that there is a space between the words that someone uses to the feelings of the spirit that can stir our souls into action.
Still, small, whisperings of the spirit came.
Why not consider your note taking in your next meeting, seminar or class, consider not recording the words said, but rather the feelings or impressions that come.
Listen to learn and learn to listen.

Walk and Talk

Never before have we lived so close to a temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

In Scotland, it is a 4 ½ hour drive to the temple in Chorley, Lancashire.

Today, we live only a short distance away in Leidschendam, a 20-minute drive from the temple in Zoetermeer.

Temples are different from the thousands of Church meetinghouses located around the world.

Meetinghouses are where Sunday worship services, youth gatherings, service projects, and other community events take place.

Temples have a more specific purpose.

They are places specially set apart for sacred service and ceremonies.

They are the House of The Lord.

The House of the Lord is the most sacred place of worship in the world — a place where heaven touches the earth, a place where marvellous blessings are bestowed, and a place where we can feel closer to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ as we strive to become more like Them.

Temple Grounds

In recent weeks the temple grounds have become a favourite place to walk and talk.

The grounds are a place of beauty, serenity, and reverence.

The grounds attract many local visitors.

They have become a sanctuary to rest, to contemplate and to consider the deeper purpose and meaning of life.

The grounds have also become for me, a place to listen to, meet with, talk with, read with, laugh with, study with, walk with, pray with, reflect with, ponder with and counsel with our missionaries.

Learning

As we walk and talk, we learn together as our thoughts are elevated heavenward.

In my professional coaching career, I have also found that breakthroughs occur in our thinking more easily when surrounded by nature, open space, and a tranquil environment.

Walking and talking just make good sense!

My wife and I take time to walk and talk every day.

We take in the surroundings and breathe in fresh air. By so doing, we are using all our senses to be in the present and soak up the natural world.

“The sum of the whole is this: walk and be happy; walk and be healthy. The best way to lengthen out our days is to walk steadily and with a purpose.”- Charles Dickens

Imagine for a moment your favourite walking spot.

How does it make you feel when you walk there?

Councils

I was excited to receive the picture attached from my dear friend, Eelco Scheltinga, who serves as President of the Den Haag Stake (diocese).

He and I meet regularly to discuss all aspects of missionary work in his stewardship.

In addition, he also meets regularly (like the other Stake Presidents – Angelo Leman, Percy de Wilde and Jerry Bletterman) with his Zone Leaders (ZL’s) and Sister Trainer Leaders (STL’s), who are assigned to work with many missionaries in other wards & branches.

These 5 missionaries are an essential part of the leadership team in his Stake.

I love the fact that he is sitting with them at home, around his dinner table, welcoming them with warmth, love and understanding.

In addition, it’s clear from their smiles, they enjoy meeting with one another!

“Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:20)

Missionary Council

Meeting together as a missionary council, with purpose, in a spirit of warm-hearted cooperation, they listen to one another, discuss concerns, make plans, set goals and search for solutions to the problems of the day.

Working through councils is a very effective way to get positive results.

Having sat in many councils, I know that when free, open and candid conversation is filled with love, patience, kindness and respect for the differing opinions and points of view that are usually on hand, the council is always a success.

Sparks of inspiration come, and decisions are made to plan and coordinate missionary work.

Scriptures

In the Old Testament, the Prophet Isaiah said; “Come now, and let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18).

And in our day, we read in Doctrine & Covenants 50:10; “Let us reason together, that ye may understand.”

I know that it is by reasoning together, that we strengthen one another.

“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.”  (Proverbs 11:14)

It is clear the council system across our mission is alive and well, it is fully functioning and filled with vibrancy and enthusiasm, thus ensuring safety for each and every one of us.

M. Russell Ballard said those who learn to counsel effectively will “always end up with a better result, always end up with a better answer and, will always end up with a better spirit.”

How can counselling together bless you and your family?

Dialogue

It was an afterthought.
Leaving for the office yesterday afternoon, I nipped back upstairs and picked up my box of CCS cards.

The Task

Later, as I started the meeting, I asked each participant to consider a question and then select three cards they regarded to be an answer to the question I posed.
Each participant was holding an identical pack of cards, with the same photographs, illustrations, and words.
Attentively, I watched as each member of the council started to thumb through the deck and select some images that captured their personal point of view.
I smiled, as I watched their faces light up, obviously amused as they shared and compared images with one another, they’d found interesting.
I was struck by their concentration, and evident delight in finding suitable cards that meant something to them in answer to the question I’d asked.

Sharing

Then, after some time, in our safe space, it was time to share.
I explained a little and observed again.
Quietly, deeply, respectfully, each person asked themselves “what is it that I most want to communicate”?
Randomly, one by one, each person articulated their thoughts with great depth of clarity and understanding, allowing them to speak about what was in their hearts and minds.
The personal insights shared were powerful and thought provoking.
Each participant said something that was true for them and everyone else respectfully listened.
It was clear as participants felt safe to share their half-formed ideas, and discover new meanings in a simple image, the energy in the room began to gather, and the atmosphere started to deepen for the dialogue that followed.

Outcomes

The purpose of the simple activity was to help participants to uncover and talk about their thoughts on the given subject.
Instead of getting down to business straight away as normal, it was just really nice to pause, talk and meet together as fellow human beings, by engaging in a meaningful conversation in a fun way.
It has been my experience as a facilitator, that saying something in a friendly, respectful, and informal way, early in a gathering, can set a pattern of full participation that can help maintain energy levels throughout any meeting.
Setting the scene yesterday, opened up a new way to ensure authentic dialogue throughout our meeting together, where crucially we really listened to one another.
How do you ensure authentic dialogue in your meetings?