Tag Archive for: emotional intelligence

New. Uncomfortable. Stretching.

Yesterday was my first time running the new Lead the Way leadership programme for Aviva in Perth.
I’d worked with my co-facilitator Jane many times online over the last 26 days, but this was the first time we had actually met in person.
So right from the start, I was feeling that mix of excitement and a wee bit of nerves too…
And I wasn’t the only one!
As delegates started arriving, there was a quiet tension in the waiting area.
A subtle mix of anticipation, nerves, and curiosity.
Uncomfortable, yes. But that’s often where the good stuff starts to happen.
Jane and I were definitely in the stretch zone too. After all we were delivering this session live together for the first time.
There’s always a bit of uncertainty when you’re doing something new, even if you’ve prepared.
Life has taught me for sure, that growth doesn’t happen in your comfort zone!
Early on in the session, we invited each delegate to pause and simply notice what they were feeling.
Not to fix it or fight it – just to notice.
There’s real power in staying present, in leaning into the awkward, uncertain, or emotionally charged moments and I have learned its essential for growth, but not easy for everyone.
We talked about how useful it is to stay with those tricky emotions rather than brushing them aside.
In leadership and in life too, I know that discomfort can show up right before something meaningful happens.
That ability of noticing without reacting is key when you’re leading teams too.
It can help you understand your own reactions and allows you to empathise with the emotions of your team.
By the end of the day, everyone had started to explore their own leadership style with more honest feelings.
There was more openness, more self-awareness, and definitely a bit more ease in the room too.
It was a solid start and a good reminder that discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong.
Most of the time, it means you’re right where you need to be.
Day 2 – here we come!
What helps you stay grounded when things feel uncertain?

The Power of Being Heard

Recently, while running a virtual learning session for an organisation, a particularly thorny issue surfaced.
Several participants raised it at once.
Supportive comments began to fill the chat and thumbs-up emojis followed.
It clearly struck a chord with everyone.
I slowed down and paused.
My first instinct was, how can I help fix this?
But in that pause, something clicked for me.
I looked at what was happening, not just the words being used, but the energy in the room (even a virtual one).
I realised we’d created something important: a psychologically safe space.
And in that space, those participants weren’t actually asking for solutions, nor were they looking for me to jump in and fix anything.
They simply wanted to be heard.
And I mean 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒍𝒚 heard.
That moment reminded me of what I’ve learned again and again in coaching: people don’t always need answers.
They often don’t need you to solve their problems, how could you really anyway?
What they need is to feel understood.
To know that someone is genuinely listening, without judgement or a checklist of fixes at hand.
This is empathy in action.
Not the soft, fluffy kind that gets tossed around far too easily, but the grounded, humankind.
In that space we stop trying to solve everything and instead sit with people in their reality.
We listen not to reply, but to understand.
Sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer isn’t a solution.
It’s simply our presence.
What gets in the way of your ability to just listen?

Emotions!

Do you pay attention to your feelings?

Yesterday, as we drove to Apeldoorn in the early morning for interviews, the traffic was worse than normal. Here in the Netherlands, it’s called “spitsuren” (rush hours). It was becoming clear that we were going to be late.

Sometimes we can all get caught up in a cycle of our own emotions and negativity.

Have you been there?

Remember, you have a choice. You have the ability to choose your response to any situation.

We can choose to vent our emotions and “fly off the handle” which may increase our stress levels.

Or we simply put a lid on them, which can also be ineffective and over time, even quite destructive.

So, what else can you do?

Self-management is key.

It is all about how you act, react, or whether you take no action at all.

Firstly, you need to be self-aware enough to understand yourself and what triggers your emotions to be able to manage them well. Being self-aware of our feelings is a prerequisite to regulating them.

Yesterday, Monic was my rescuer as she spoke calmly, gently and measuredly, suggesting some possibilities for next time – which all made sense to me!

“So, we’ll be late” she said…

Although she was traveling in the car with me, she’d been studying for over an hour and wasn’t directly invested in the problem at hand.  That really helped, by simply getting another perspective.

Secondly, learning to pause is a great way to control our emotions.

In its simplest form it may be simply counting to 10 in your head or stepping away from the situation somehow for 5 minutes before you decide how to act.

Thirdly, shift your mood.

Move your body around, put some upbeat music on, take a walk, give someone a hug, or talk to someone.  All of these can help.

Fourthly, ask yourself – what’s important now?

Be accepting that things go wrong! That’s life.  Rather than dwelling on what you can’t control focus on what you can control in the future, rather than dwelling on problems that have already passed.

Finally, one of my favourites is to consider “how will this look in 6 months’ time?”

That’s a simple way to put things into perspective on any situation. Will you even remember? How much energy do you want to expend on something that you won’t even be thinking about in a few days’ time!

How do you control your emotional triggers?

“How do you walk in another person’s shoes?”

“How do you walk in another person’s shoes?” asked the workshop participant…

A great question and one that I have been asked repeatedly in recent coaching workshops.

A big part of the answer is to do with 𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐲.

It begins with simply showing a little more kindness to others.

Empathy is our ability to understand another person’s feelings, thoughts, and condition from their perspective, rather than our own.

In my experience empathy is being very present in any conversation, attentively listening deeply, being open minded without judgement, looking into their eyes and giving someone your undivided attention, in order to sense their emotions.

Frequently a human connection is made, resulting in a peek or a fleeting impression into how or what they are really feeling.

Just be there and listen.

It is a momentary glimpse of their reality.

That’s when I start to feel I am being empathetic.

The good news is – empathy is something that can be learned.

Start by being curious.

Active or deep listening and asking powerful open ended questions helps us to develop an understanding of another persons situation and in turn develops empathy.

Instead of saying, “Are you okay?” try asking, “How are you feeling about everything that’s going on?”

Imagine how you would feel if you were in their situation, considering their history, values, and personality—not yours.

Empathy isn’t only about words; it’s also about noticing facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language.

Paying attention to these non-verbal signals can give you insights into what someone might be feeling, even if they’re not saying it explicitly.

As you seek to understand another person, simple responses are very often the most powerful and meaningful ways to help.

Try walking in another’s shoes today, go on give it a go!

Therefore, what?

Puzzled, quizzical or completely lost by the keynote address?

Frequently I listen to talks, read journal articles, books galore and sit through lots of presentations as well as attend many meetings. Do I understand what the key message was for me? What does all this mean? Was it just a lot of hot air? (sometimes it is!) Subsequently, at the close of the address, the meeting or the book, oftentimes a thought will enter my mind….”Therefore, what?” It was a favourite call to action for Boyd K. Packer.

By implication, after all that has been shared, after all that has been said, what is the call to action, what does all this mean for me – “Therefore, what?”

The words of encouragement, the purposeful direction, the inspiring motivational speaker’s counsel will not make one jot of a difference in our lives if we choose not to change. Have you been inspired by someone or something?

“Therefore, what?” Its my experience that there are many who have not made the connection between what they say they believe and how they actually live their lives. There is a disconnect between words and actions.

Does this apply to you? Why not consider this question at the end of your next meeting, next presentation or next book.

I know I can do better. How will you choose to act?

#actions